


Rewrite

by cinagray



Series: The List [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Beach, Chronic Illness, Depression, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Unreliable Narrator, tough mudder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:41:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinagray/pseuds/cinagray
Summary: After just a few weeks together, Dean inspires Cas to rewrite his list and his life.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: The List [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1688281
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	1. Two Weeks

Garth was the only one in the little beach-side shop when Jimmy dropped Cas off. It was the third day of the still-cancelled scuba class, but Cas wasn’t ready for Jimmy to know about that. 

“Hey, Cas.” Garth leaned over an open newspaper on the counter, palms supporting him. “He’s out on a surfing lesson, but he’ll be done soon. You can wait here or out on the beach.” 

“Thanks,” Cas said, and continued out through the back door. The ground transitioned from pavement to sand in just a few steps. He took time to spot Dean out in the surf before finding a spot to settle on the blanket he’d brought from home. Cas slid out of his sandals, careful to keep the sand off the blanket. He’d packed his own bag this time, partly because Jimmy included things Cas didn’t want to carry, but also because it made Jimmy happy. Amelia made it clear that Cas’s presence altered everything in their lives, but he changed Jimmy the most. 

Cas kept the notebook in there. He didn’t open it. In fact, he didn’t even take it out. He had it memorized forward and backwards already.The things he had written down were trivial in the face of moving to Florida and meeting this handsome stranger who took him seriously. Cas almost didn’t know what to think now that there was someone in his life who believed him when he said what he thought or felt. 

It was easy to spot Dean’s blonde hair and toned body, even from a distance. He stood differently than everyone around him, and while Cas couldn’t hear his laugh he could see Dean’s entire body move with mirth. Dean spoke to his student while the waves crashed against their knees and a moment later they were back out in deeper water together. As he watched them the firm line of resolve wavered and Cas acted on it before he had a moment to doubt it. 

He pulled out the notebook with the pen jammed down the spiral binding and wriggled it loose. He knew everything in that book by heart, but maybe it was time for a new page. Technically less than three weeks had passed since he met Dean on the beach, and exactly two weeks since he spilled the important bits of his life in front of a stranger who told him that everything would be okay. Two weeks since Dean told him he was important just as he was, kissed him, and changed everything. Everything was different now, so the list had to change too. 

Dean was halfway up the beach by the time Cas noticed him. Cas scrambled to put his things away, but Dean told him to stay put as he disappeared around the corner. He came back a few moments later with all the sand washed from his legs and saltwater rinsed from his hair. 

“Is it okay if I sit?” Dean asked. Cas gestured to the blanket and Dean folded his frame down to fit. He grinned at Cas, his eyes almost shy before he spoke. “How you doing today?” 

“Fine,” Cas said. 

“You writing?” Cas colored at the question. Technically yes, he was rewriting his list with what seemed important now. But ‘writing’ meant his book and no--he hadn’t touched that in months.

“Just a list.” 

The corner of Dean’s mouth pulled up into a smirk. “Finally added me to it?” 

That made Cas laugh too. “Let it go, Dean.” 

“Not til you put me on your list.” Dean bumped his shoulder against Cas’s and Cas leaned into the touch even as he rolled his eyes. 

“What do you want to do today?” Cas shrugged. “I never have plans.” 

“Then I have one. Let me drive you home so I can see where you live and then I’ll go home and change and come back for you. Pick you up for a real date.” An electric shock started in Cas’s left arm and zinged across his shoulders and down the right side--an annoying frequent reminder of the accident. Cas shivered involuntarily and waited for the buzz across his body to die down before he straightened up. 

“I’m okay,” Cas said when he caught Dean’s worried expression. “It just happens sometimes.” 

“It looks like it hurts,” Dean said. 

“Right when it happens isn’t great but after that it’s just unpleasant.” 

Dean scoffed. “The look on your face didn’t say unpleasant.” 

Cas ducked his head to cover for his cheeks heating again. He tugged the zipper hard and tried to get up only to find his left arm uncooperative. 

“Let me,” Dean extended his hand and Cas accepted reluctantly. The therapist in Illinois said he had to learn to accept help when the neuropathy was bad, and it seemed infinitely easier now that help came from Dean instead of nosy family members who thought they knew better. 

“So? What do you think of my plan?” Dean grinned wolfishly, like he had to really sell himself to Cas. 

“Will I need to change too?” 

Dean looked him up and down, taking in Cas’s khaki shorts and loose button down before he winked. “If you want. And if not we go somewhere a little less nice but still with awesome food. You can think about it in the car.” 

Cas had ridden in the Impala before, but not anywhere where Jimmy or Amelia would know about it. He already knew how that conversation would go, and he wasn’t sure he was quite ready for that particular talk. They were both safely tucked away at work for the rest of the day. 

“Did you make up your mind?” Dean asked after Cas gave him the last directions in the neighborhood. 

“I’ll change. How long until you come back for me?” 

“Hour at the most? I’m just gonna’ shower and change, so shouldn’t be long.” Dean pulled into the driveway. “This is your home sweet home?” 

“My brother’s,” Cas corrected and then flinched. He was always correcting the tiniest things when there was no need. He knew it was annoying--Gabriel had told him a million times--but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. 

“I need to meet him sometime.” 

Cas popped the door and it squeaked when he pushed it out. “Sometime, but he’s at work right now.” He slid out of the car and slammed the door behind him. 

Dean waved through the windshield as Cas went inside. Cas couldn’t help smiling back. Dean’s enthusiasm for life worked its way into Cas, invading with smiles and touches and laughter. They agreed to count the first cancelled scuba class as a first date, and there had been one more, but this one felt different. Dressing up, making a plan--Cas took a shower and tried to make his hair do something more than stand up everywhere. It was a lost cause, but he did get it mostly standing the same direction. He needed a haircut sometime soon if he wanted to have a chance at controlling it. 

Picking out clothes was even more difficult, but Cas finally settled on a blue button down and dark jeans. He could always change again if Dean showed up dressed even nicer. Cas checked his hair in the mirror again before he took up pacing in the living room. It was quite possible that he’d never been more nervous in his life, but the excitement too--Dean was different. The kitchen door leading to the carport popped open and Jimmy walked in. Cas froze, but Jimmy smiled at him. 

“Class cancelled or something? You could have called me to pick you up.” 

“I--I didn’t want to bother you. Why are you home?” 

“I had a dentist appointment.” Jimmy narrowed his eyes. “You look nice.” 

Cas tried to keep his eyes on Jimmy’s. If he could stand up to the challenge confidently Jimmy would back down. “I changed clothes.” 

“Everything okay?” Cas heard the roar of the Impala outside and then the engine cut. If he was quick he could explain and maybe Jimmy would understand. But Jimmy was already walking to the door to investigate. Dean knocked and the world dropped into slow motion as Jimmy opened the door. 

“Hey, Cas.” Cas heard Dean’s voice and he knew what he should do, but his body wouldn’t act on it. His feet rooted in place and his hands shook as Jimmy laughed and said, “I’m Cas’s brother Jimmy.” 

“I’m sorry--I didn’t realize...” Jimmy swung the door wide and then Dean could see him frozen in place, but he still smiled at Cas. He crossed the threshold with that grin of his and time went back to normal as Cas found motion again. 

“Hello, Dean.” 

“You never told me you were a twin.” 

“I--I am.” 

Dean held out his hand to Jimmy and they shook. “Dean Winchester.” 

“Nice to meet you.” Jimmy looked to Cas for explanation, and Cas crumbled inside the same way his story was falling apart. 

“Dean is the scuba instructor,” Cas said. “And we’ve been getting to know each other.” 

“Huh.” Jimmy looked deep into Cas. “Is this a date? Did I interrupt?” 

“I was just coming to pick up Cas and we were planning to go to dinner after a drive.” 

“Hmm.” Jimmy said, his look inscrutable. “Well, have a good time and take care of my brother.” 

“Of course.” Dean put a hand on Cas’s stiff back and led him to the door. Cas couldn’t think of any way to relieve the tension in his body after Dean put him in the car, so he sat perfectly straight in the passenger seat as Dean navigated out of the little neighborhood and onto the highway. 

“You okay?” Dean finally asked. 

“Jimmy is my twin.” Cas’s brain raced to figure out what he should say next. 

“I saw that,” Dean chuckled and glanced over at Cas for just a moment before he focused back on the road. 

“I should have told you. I should have told Jimmy.” 

“You didn’t tell Jimmy about me?” 

“I wanted to keep you--I mean, until I knew if we were…” Cas melted back in the seat, shoulders hunched. 

“We were what, Cas?” Dean asked it gently, but Cas didn’t have a word for him. Together? Viable? Real? 

“This is the third date,” Cas said, as if that explained everything. 

“Okay,” Dean drove on, obviously waiting for more. 

Cas swallowed in an attempt to re-wet his suddenly dry mouth. “We’re supposed to talk about things and I didn’t want to tell Jimmy in case you decided not to… stay.” 

“What is there to talk about?” Dean asked, shocking Cas with his sincerity. Did he really not understand the situation? The accident, the list, the pain and depression Cas lived with every day? It had destroyed his relationship with Inias so Cas wanted to be upfront. Make sure before they tangled too much together. 

“My… my accident.” 

“I’m not worried about that, Cas.” Dean said. “You shouldn’t either.” 

“I was different before this. My body wasn’t haywire and I…” Cas shook his head, nerves stealing his words. “I don’t drive anymore,” he finally choked out. 

Dean reached over and settled a hand on Cas’s closest knee. “I love to drive. You can ride with me anytime.” 

They rode on like that, Dean’s hand on him and quiet between them. Cas was able to relax as they drove on, and with time he covered Dean’s hand with his own. 

Dean smiled and stole a glance at him. “I like who you are now. I don’t really need to know how you were before.” 

“Dean--” 

“Serious, Cas. I like you. The ‘now’ you. I’d like to know you more though, so I’m going to keep asking you out.” Dean squeezed his knee and like a reflex Cas squeezed Dean’s hand. Dean turned his hand palm up to collect Cas’s fingers and settled their entwined hands in the empty space between them. 

Cas felt out of place when Dean took his hand in the parking lot before they walked into the restaurant. They were seated quickly and Dean took great pleasure in reading every item on the menu. 

“What are you going to get?” Dean asked. 

“I don’t know,” Cas said. His brain was still back in the Impala re-thinking the words Dean had said, but he forced himself to focus. After a minute he felt Dean’s eyes on him and he looked up. 

“You okay, Cas?” 

Cas forced a smile. “What’s good here?” 

Dean waxed eloquent about the gourmet burgers and Cas sorted out what he wanted from dean’s descriptions. 

“Have you thought about your list any?” Dean asked after they’d ordered their food. 

“Some.” 

“If you ever need anything for it I’d like to help.” 

“There’s nothing big on the list,” Cas said, suddenly embarrassed. 

“Okay, so like what kinds of things are you wanting to do? Give me an example.” 

“Uh,” Cas scrambled through his mental list for something and said the first thing he could come up with. “Go to europe.” 

Dean smiled at Cas even as his eyebrows pushed down in confusion. “Europe sounds pretty damn big, Cas.” 

“I started rewriting the list. It’s… I don’t think I really want to do anything on the old one. I wrote it in a different time in my life and it doesn’t seem to fit anymore.” 

“But you’re keeping mine right?” Dean’s wicked grin returned as he extended his hand across the top of the table. Cas’s heart beat a little faster as he gave his hand over. 

“Keeping your what?” Cas asked. 

“The ‘ask out a stranger’ one. And you should add me.” 

“That would be redundant, Dean.” “But then you’d get to cross more off.” Dean winked just as the waiter came back with wine and bread to share. They disconnected, fingers trailing until they were back to their own sides to eat. 

Back out on the road Dean reached for Cas’s hand automatically, like it was a thing they’d always done together. Cas tried to remember the last time he’d just held someone’s hand like that, and came up short. A car passed them and lit Dean’s profile up bright for a few fleeting seconds before everything went dim again in the faint light of summer evening. This was the new list he wanted to make: a collection of the minutes that made him happy again, the actions that took him somewhere closer to where he used to be. 


	2. Six Weeks

Cas woke up the first time that night strangled in sheets and sweat and screaming for his brother. Jimmy pounded down the hall and into Cas’s room in record time, his own eyes popped wide with worry. “Cas, it’s okay.” 

“No, no, no,” Cas muttered and rocked upright, only partly awake.. “It’s not--it can’t.” 

“Cas, come on.” The bed bounced as Jimmy’s weight hit, then warm solid arms surrounded him. 

Cas shook helplessly against his brother. If he could stop it, if he could clear it out he would, but memories and fear wormed through him. Jimmy never asked him to control it, but Cas felt like he should be able to do something to lessen the impact. 

“Move over,” Jimmy said and nudged him in the ribs. He loosened his hold to let Cas move and he urged Cas to lay back down before he took up the place next to him. 

“You should go back to Amelia,” Cas said when he finally calmed down enough to say the right thing. 

“She knows why I’m here.” Cas breathed in and back out as Jimmy settled next to him. Jimmy would be asleep in a second if he stayed quiet. 

“I should go back with Gabriel. I’m causing too many problems here.” 

“No, Cas.” 

“Amelia is--” 

“You're my brother. You need me right now and Amelia understands that.” Jimmy rolled on his side to face him, but Cas kept his eyes on the ceiling. “Don’t mention leaving ever again.” 

“I just want to do the right thing.” 

“Then focus on recovery,” Jimmy said as he settled a heavy hand on Cas’s shoulder. “Get back to doing things you love.” 

Cas laughed just enough to produce a scornful puff of air. “I don’t know what that is any more.” 

Jimmy shifted against the pillows until his head settled over Cas’s left shoulder. “Maybe it’s scuba diving.” 

Cas hummed like he agreed, but the idea that maybe it was Dean raced through his mind and that was too much to think about. 

*** 

When Cas woke the second time it was to cold sheets next to him and raised voices from the other side of the thin walls. Amelia was louder than Jimmy. She always was. Everything she said made sense--Cas wasn’t getting better, he was monopolizing Jimmy’s time, and what about that baby they were supposed to try for? Cas pretended like he heard nothing when he went down the hall to the bathroom and back to his room, door clicking softly as he guided it shut. 

He went back to bed and pulled everything over his head. Jimmy would be in to wake him at some point if he didn’t get up on his own, but Cas set his phone to go off before then. Amelia wasn’t unkind and she wasn’t wrong. Cas was taking up their life with his miseries and abject need. Jimmy was blind to all the reasons why Cas had to go so Amelia was doing what she had to to preserve her future family. 

When Jimmy came for him Cas was already dressed and packed for the day. “Are you okay today? Are you sure you should go out?” 

“It’s scuba diving day.” Cas said it like that was the ultimate evidence that he was fine and should go about his business away from that small house. 

“Of course. Dean.” Cas lowered his eyes so Jimmy couldn’t read him, but the weight of Jimmy’s gaze was more than enough to bubble up guilt. “Be careful with him, Cas.” 

“Am I an adult or not?” 

Jimmy looked him over again, eyes darting over Cas’s face like he could scan for clues about the situation. “You are, I just want you to be careful. Grab your stuff if you’re coming with me.” 

The backpack was quite a bit heavier than usual with his laptop and a couple changes of clothes shoved in with his usual notebook. He had everything he needed to jump on a bus and go once Jimmy dropped him at the beach. He’d wait there a while to make sure Jimmy didn’t backtrack for any reason, but then he’d find a way to the closest bus station. 

He hadn’t counted on Dean standing there waiting on the beach when they pulled up. 

“Hey, Cas.” Dean grinned. “Garth doesn’t have enough work for me today so I thought I’d spend the day with you. Unless you need the quiet.” 

Cas stared at him, then looked back at Jimmy’s retreating car. “Sure. Uh, I don’t know how long I’m staying.” 

“You weren’t planning to stay the day?” Cas swallowed. It felt like an interrogation even though he knew better. Dean wasn’t Jimmy or Amelia. He didn’t report to Dean and honestly, maybe Dean wouldn’t even care if he left. 

“Can we drive?” Cas asked. 

“Of course.” Ten minutes on the road and Cas hadn’t slid across the seat to kiss his boyfriend or even reached into the empty space for his hand. That’s what they were now--boyfriends. Cas felt too silly to use the word out loud, like it was reserved for high school kids. But they had talked about it--neither of them were seeing other people, nor were they interested in doing so. They wanted to progress together, though Dean had made it clear he was following Cas’s lead. 

“What’s wrong, Cas?” 

Cas looked out the window, watching grasses and tall trees and sand whiz by. “Nothing.” 

“Don’t do that to me. My kid brother does that and then wants me to noodle out the mystery. No way, man. Just talk.” 

Cas’s heart thumped, harder and louder until it was one of the few sounds in his head. “I--I’m leaving. I don’t think I can’t stay here any more.” 

Dean’s silence said everything Cas needed to hear. Cas stole a glance and watched Dean struggle not to speak. Cas was ready for it though. Dean would be mad, take him back home or to the beach or dump him along the road even. Cas knew he could get to the bus station from wherever. 

“What did I do?” Dean finally asked. 

The question shook Cas and he scrambled to fix it. “Nothing! You wouldn’t- you’ve been good to me.” 

“Then why are you going?” Dean’s voice dropped deep and scratchy. 

Cas turned his red face to the window, eyes prickling and burning. “I’m not good. You’ll find someone else quick.” 

Dean turned around at the next available road and as they got going back the other direction on the highway Cas shrunk against the car door. “So you need a ride to a bus station?” 

The accusation under the words grated at Cas even though Dean’s words came soft. He wasn’t using Dean, he just knew that Dean would bounce back. Dean was the kind of guy that would find someone else. They’d only been together six weeks or so, and even if they were spending most of their days together six weeks wasn’t that long. 

“I’m not trying to take advantage of you,” Cas said. 

“Then what, Cas? You asked me to drive just like we do a lot of days, but then you got in my car and told me you’re leaving.” 

“I’m not doing well here,” Cas mumbled. 

“From what you told me you weren’t doing well with your other brother either.” 

“I can’t go back there.” Cas hadn’t meant to tell, but maybe he owed Dean that much. 

Dean cleared his throat. “Then where are you going?” 

Cas hadn’t thought that far. Somewhere. Wherever was cheapest or looked interesting when he got to the bus station. Wherever he could stay out of the way. Wherever they wouldn’t think to look. 

“Away,” Cas finally said, tilting his head enough to catch Dean’s reaction. 

Dean gritted his teeth at Cas’s word and shook his head, but kept his eyes firmly on the road. The longer Dean went without saying anything the more regret punished Cas. They had at least ten minutes ‘til they made it back to the beach, and with every passing second remorse twisted his insides. 

“Come stay with me.” Dean’s eyes flicked over to Cas quick and then back to the road. “Maybe just for a night or two so you can decide where you’re going.” 

Cas sat up, blue eyes hot. “I… what are you doing, Dean?” 

Dean chuckled, but when he turned enough so Cas could see his face the lines at the corners of his eyes reflected pain. “I don’t like the idea of you jumping on a bus without knowing where you’ll end up. And you don’t really seem like you want to go.” 

“I have my things with me,” Cas muttered. “I’ll do fine on my own.” 

“Honestly?” Dean said. “I’m hoping I can change your mind. I thought we were getting close to something more serious, and--” Dean shrugged. “I don’t know, Cas. I really like you and I thought I told you that. And if you don’t--if it’s not the same for you that’s okay. I just thought it was.” 

Cas retreated to his corner and blinked back tears. “You’ll move on from me.” 

“I don’t want to.” 

Cas sat up again, body straining the seat belt. “Can you pull over?” 

Dean found a place and as soon as the car hit park Cas popped his seatbelt and slid across. His hands shook as he reached for Dean’s face. He genuinely thought Dean might slap his hand down or push him away before he could touch him, but Dean’s bright eyes followed the motion and leaned into Cas’s palm when he got close enough. 

“More serious?” Cas asked. 

“Yeah, I mean--I was hoping, but obviously if you’re going--” 

“I thought it was just me,” Cas said, and Dean stiffened. 

“From the moment you walked in for that scuba class it wasn’t ‘just you’, Cas.” 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said. It didn’t seem like enough, but Dean grinned and closed the distance to kiss him. 

“You want to go back to my place?” He whispered the words against Cas’s mouth, and Cas was nodding before Dean could finish the last words. 

*** 

They only made it as far as the sweltering stairwell before Cas yanked on Dean’s wrist to slow him down and pull him into a kiss. Dean laughed, hands quick to either side of Cas’s face as he kissed back. 

“Like twenty steps and we’re inside,” Dean said. 

“That’s too far.” Dean grinned and took one last peck from Cas before grabbing his hand and leading him up the stairs. Cas trailed his hands down the expanse of Dean’s perfectly curved back while Dean did his best to unlock the door despite distraction. Every inch of him seemed to be muscle, and for a fleeting moment Cas’s mind flooded in embarrassment. Dean would find him disappointing. He hadn’t gone for a run since before the accident and his runner’s physique had long gone soft in absence of regular work. But all thought of exercise flitted away the second the door popped open and Dean turned to him with a grin and a wink. 

All Cas saw of Dean’s place was that it was dim with the curtains drawn closed. Anything beyond that was lost in the shuffle of Dean sliding Cas’s backpack off his shoulder before he pulled Cas flush to him and kissed him like he was starving for everything Cas had to give. Cas pushed back the apprehension and irrational fear that trailed after him everywhere. He could leave it in a corner for an hour, pretend this wasn’t as big a deal as it was, pretend that he was whole. 

He slid his hands up under Dean’s t-shirt to find his rib cage. Cas traced his thumbs down, starting from the center and following the bone until he was close enough to Dean’s hips to settle there. 

“Cas,” Dean whispered. “Are you sure?” 

Cas slid two fingers along Dean’s waistband and down into his shorts to squeeze Dean’s ass. He pulled them so close there was no hiding Cas’s erection or Dean’s either. “What do you think?” 

Dean moaned against Cas’s mouth as he sealed them back together, tongue desperate and hands grabbing like he couldn’t get enough of Cas no matter where he held him. Dean wanted him--wanted to see him, spend time with him, touch him--and Cas pushed that overwhelming feeling away too. 

Dean shuffled them back as they kissed and groped. Cas pulled Dean’s t-shirt off even though it meant letting go of Dean’s gorgeous ass. He’d seen Dean’s chest and abs out on the beach pretty much daily but he wasn’t prepared to have them under his hands. Cas swallowed audibly as his hands ghosted over every dip and bump. 

“Cas?” 

Cas’s eyes snapped to Dean’s. Even in the dim light Cas could see how far gone he was, mouth open and eyes hooded. Dean touched his face, gliding a finger along his cheekbone before he kissed him again. Cas gasped against his mouth when Dean’s strong hands slid against his stomach and up to take off his shirt. The fabric had barely cleared his face when Dean’s hands were back on him, mapping their way down to Cas’s shorts. Dean didn’t play at Cas’s waistband the way Cas had done to him. He went straight to inching Cas’s shorts down along with his boxers until they hit the floor. 

“Sit,” Dean said. Cas glanced behind him to Dean’s couch and then followed instructions, heart racing even faster when Dean got on his knees in front of him and started kneading his thighs. Cas sat up straighter but Dean strained up to kiss him. 

“Relax,” he said while he wrapped his hand around Cas’s cock. Each stroke felt like a miracle and Cas vaguely wondered why he had waited so long to get back to sex with another person. He moaned long and low when Dean first licked up his shaft and sealed his mouth around the head. For the first time in months the ever-present negative narrative in his mind paused. There was just Dean’s hands, his mouth, and his wicked tongue. Cas’s brain zoomed in on the sound of their breathing, the way Dean worked his fingers into his hips, the rough fabric of the couch under him--it was just him and Dean together. 

Cas slid his fingers into Dean’s hair and Dean hummed around him. Cas stuttered out a warning, but Dean continued, pressing fingers even more firmly into Cas as his hips moved uneven and he came with a strangled groan. Cas hardly processed the dip of the couch next to him while he fought to catch his breath again, but when he could speak the first words out of his mouth were an apology. He took the risk of looking at Dean, but Dean was already in motion, turning toward Cas and reaching for his face. He kissed his lips lightly then bumped their foreheads together. 

“Why?” 

Cas stumbled around words. “It’s been a long time for me and…” 

“And you were amazing.” Dean said. Cas pressed his lips together in a firm line and determined to push all the fear and anxiety down again. He’d have this with Dean without his past stealing it all away. He could worry about the fallout later. 

Cas kissed Dean, turning his body enough to get him to lay back on the couch. Cas worked Dean’s shorts and boxers off before he covered him with his own body, and kissed down, starting with a quick taste of Dean’s lips before licking down the golden skin of Dean’s neck. Cas traced a slow path with tongue and teeth down to Dean’s navel and then took a quick detour for his hip bones. He just barely hovered over Dean’s cock at the angle he worked, and by the time Cas touched him there Dean nearly came off the couch. Dean had been patient all along, but once Cas’s mouth closed around his dick he urged him faster and more, panting in between every phrase until he came in Cas’s mouth. Cas sat up to see Dean’s mouth still open, head lolled to one side. He grinned. He was responsible for the satisfied look on Dean’s face and the way he sucked air in as he tried to recover. Cas sat back on his heels then shook at the sudden realization that he had no idea what to do next. 

“Up here,” Dean said, as if he could divine the issue in Cas’s head. Cas stretched along Dean’s naked body and as soon as he’d settled with one of Dean’s arms underneath and around him Dean kissed him, lazy this time. 

“Thank you,” he said into Cas’s hair. Cas tried to say his own thank you before he nodded off, but his eyelids were too heavy and Dean’s body too warm against his. 

*** 

Cas came back to life in slow moves, the last of which was his eyelids lifting. It took him a minute to reorient to plain white walls and the couch beneath him before he remembered where he was and why. Dean had covered him with a blanket while he slept and something smelled delicious. Cas sat up and saw directly into the tiny kitchen where Dean stood at the stove, working away at food while Cas’s stomach gurgled. Dean swayed to a silent beat and Cas heard his faint but familiar hum over the sizzling food. 

Dean glanced his way and grinned. “Hey, sunshine. I’m frying up burgers if you want one.” 

“That sounds wonderful.” 

Dean nodded toward a door. “Bathroom’s there and the bedroom is the other door.” He turned back to the stove and Cas looked from Dean to the bathroom. Right. Bathroom. He found his shorts and boxers wadded together on the floor near the couch and slid them on before he glanced at Dean again. He moved to his internal music again, attention on the stove. 

Cas scooped up his shirt, looked around for his bag, and found it near the door. He picked it up on his way to the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Cas leaned against it, finally letting out the air he’d been holding. Dean seemed fine. He seemed happy. And maybe that meant it was okay. They’d eat and talk and it would be okay. Or Dean would drive him home and say goodbye and never call him again. Cas ran the water and splashed some in his face. He had to turn his head off somehow. 

Light tapping on the door got Cas’s attention. “Food’s ready,” Dean said and Cas decided to face whatever it was going to be because right now what he needed most was just to  _ know _ . He dressed in a hurry and when he opened the door Dean had plates out featuring a thick burger in a bun and fries on the side. 

“They were frozen, but that’s better than nothing, right?” Dean said. 

Cas nodded and smiled because he was supposed to and he sat next to Dean to eat. Dean dug in quick, while Cas sat watching him. They were together. They’d said that. And they just exchanged blow jobs and-- 

“Cas? You okay?” Cas connected with Dean’s inquisitive green eyes and felt every bit naked again. 

“What is this?” Cas asked. 

“What do you mean?” Dean dropped his playful attitude for something a little more serious. 

“I mean- are we actually together or do you really just want me to go?” 

“Jesus christ, Cas. I--I thought we sorted this out already.” Dean dropped his eyes to inspect the table. “Are you regretting this? Because--” 

“No--not at all.” Cas fidgeted with his hands, but decided to jump. “I decided to stay here in Florida. Can I really stay with you for a couple days? Did you mean that?” 

Dean looked up then, his bright eyes meeting Cas’s. “Of course. I already said you could.” 

“Okay. I’ll stay here then. Just for a few days.” Cas looked down to his rapidly cooling food and picked up the burger. The first bite was amazing, but the second was better after he was over his surprise at the initial flavor. 

He looked up to find Dean grinning at him. “What?” 

“You’re staying,” Dean said. “With me.” 

“It--it’s just for a few days,” Cas stammered. “Amelia is upset with me and I need to be away--” 

Dean was up and out of his seat before Cas could finish. He leaned over Cas, stopping his sentence with a tender kiss. “I don’t care how long it is. Just stay.” 

*** 

“Shh, Cas. Cas, Cas… it’s okay. Just… shit!” The crash from the nightstand brought Cas fully out of his half-asleep state and he gasped for air as his heart beat furiously. A hand on his back skin-to-skin and he whipped his face to see Dean, wide-eyed and worried. 

“What do I do? Do I need to call Jimmy?” 

Cas shook his head. Jimmy would take him home, lock him down tight. Two nights in a row was a bad sign and Dean-- 

“I’m sorry,” Cas muttered. “I--I can go. If you can drive me I’ll just--” 

“I don’t want you to go. I want to help.” 

Cas leaned into him, even as embarrassed as he was and Dean pulled him tight to his chest where Cas breathed in the cotton of his shirt. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” 

Dean shushed him and laid them both back on the bed. “Do you talk about the dream? I mean… does that help? Do you need me to do something?” Dean rubbed down Cas’s side on his way to hitching the blankets back up and tucked himself around Cas’s shaking body. They breathed together eventually as Cas’s heart rate slowed and settled to imitate Dean’s. 

“The dream doesn’t change,” Cas said softly. 

“You always yell for Jimmy?” 

“It’s like he was with me. In the accident, I mean. He wasn’t actually there, but I--I felt him with me.” Cas felt Dean nod against his hair and that was enough encouragement for him to continue. “So it’s always Jimmy in the car with me when I dream.” 

The moment of impact it was like Jimmy magically appeared. In the dream it seemed like he rolled for hours before the car came to rest upside down and crushed. In reality it had been about six seconds according to a witness. Six extraordinarily long seconds where Cas had clung to his brother and asked if it was okay to die. 

“You’re okay now,” Dean whispered in his ear, and Cas tried to slow the shake in his limbs. Dean slid one hand under the blanket to rest over Cas’s heart. 

“In the dream I hang from the seatbelt and die.” Cas covered Dean’s hand with his own. “I die again every night I dream it.” 

Dean worked their fingers together and pressed a kiss to Cas’s bare shoulder. “What really happened?” 

“A woman behind us pulled over. She was an ER nurse and she saved my life.” A large tremor worked through him and Dean vibrated with him, tangling their legs and grabbing Cas’s body close so they touched at as many points as possible. 

“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, Cas.” 

“You should know,” Cas said. “So you can make a good choice about me.” 

“I choose you.” Dean said it so sincerely that Cas’s brain lit up with excitement in one half and panic in the other. 

“I wake up most nights--sometimes like this. I sleep too much or too little--usually too much. I can’t drive. I can’t focus anymore.” 

“Yeah, you can,” Dean said softly, kissing Cas’s skin again--this time near the join of his neck and shoulder. “You focus with me all the time.” He kissed him again under his ear and then on his cheek. 

Cas twisted to see Dean. His eyes shone even in the dark. “You’re easy to focus on.” 

“So do that.” Dean kissed him, just a light press of his lips first before he invested in something deeper. Cas moved with him, warmth spreading through his body and pooling low in his belly. Dean’s tongue darted in and Cas responded until Dean pulled fingers loose from their place over Cas’s chest. 

“I’m difficult.” His words puffed against Dean’s lips. They were too close to really see each other, but Dean’s eyes directed back to his and Cas knew he was smiling from the way the corners crinkled. 

“No, you’re not.” 

“You haven’t seen it all yet.” 

“I’ve seen enough,” Dean said. “What can I do right now?” 

Castiel pressed back like he could melt straight into Dean and Dean helped the attempt with muscled arms firmly around him. 

“This,” Cas said. “This is good.” 

Dean held him tight for a while, but he slowly loosened with sleep and time. It always took Cas a long time to settle back to sleep after the dream about the accident. When Jimmy stayed with him he always passed out first too. Dean shifted and his hand pressed against Cas’s heart again. 

“I ran away,” Dean slurred a little with sleepiness. “I’m from Kansas, not Florida.” 

“Okay,” Cas said, confused. 

“I had this boyfriend up there. Aaron.” Dean sighed and his moist breath hit the back of Cas’s neck. “My dad beat the hell out of me when he caught us together, so I took off as soon as I could. I always wanted to see the ocean, so I came here and never went back.” 

“Oh, Dean,” Cas breathed. 

“It’s good now. You don’t have to be okay after what happened to you. I’m not okay either. So we can do that together.” Dean yawned wide behind Cas and then pressed his face into Cas’s hair. “Stay with me, Cas.” 

The hand clutched against Cas’s chest suddenly felt heavier. No one ever needed him for anything real anymore. He was a responsibility, a burden, an embarrassment. But not to Dean. He didn’t know what he was exactly--boyfriend, they had said, but this request seemed like so much more. 

“I will, Dean.” Cas laced their fingers together again and lay wide awake while Dean breathed evenly against him.


	3. 3 months, part 1

"Can I add something to your list?” Dean asked. It had taken several weeks of Cas sleeping over more often than not before Dean would openly wear his reading glasses, but now sitting up in bed with his laptop open he grinned down at Cas and wagged his eyebrows over the thick frames. 

“My list is rapidly becoming your list,” Cas said. 

“Relax. It’s just an idea.” Dean turned the laptop toward him. “You said you wanted an event or task to accomplish. And you nixed the half-marathon idea.” 

“That’s a lot of training.” 

“Look at this.” Dean slunk down low enough that his head rested on top of Cas’s and he put the laptop between them. “There’s an event coming up called Tough Mudder. Me and Benny and Charlie and Garth were thinking about doing something like that together. And I'd like you to do it too... I mean if you're comfortable.” 

“What is it exactly?” 

“It’s like an obstacle course race. You do it in teams and there’s mud.” Dean shrugged “It’s just a fun thing.You can add it to your list or not, but I wanted to invite you. And you don’t have to do it. No pressure.” 

Cas inspected Dean’s face closely. Dean rarely asked him to do anything like this. And the way he’d retreated so quickly at the slightest thought that Cas wouldn’t be interested was a clear sign that it was important to him. Cas rolled onto his side and tucked in further under Dean’s chin. 

“Show me what it is,” he said, and he was rewarded with one of Dean’s big grins. They watched a few videos from participants and as Dean spoke about the event excitement rode under every word. Cas curled deeper into Dean’s side and Dean dropped an arm around his shoulders. 

“So what do you think?” 

“It looks difficult,” Cas said. 

“That’s why you go as a team. Everyone helps.” 

“I should probably run some before then.” Dean tilted his head to see Cas’s face. “Does that mean you’ll come?” 

“If you think I can do it.” Dean tilted Cas’s face up to see him. “You can do it.” He kissed him quick and pointed at Cas’s notebook. “Write it down.” 

*** 

It took eight runs until Cas could actually jog along without near instant breathlessness. He vaguely remembered how it felt to start running the first time he’d take it up as a hobby, but he’d been an older teenager back then, and nothing seemed that hard physically. At almost 28 his body rebelled against every attempt to bring it back to discipline and focus after such a long time away from it. 

He didn’t let Dean run with him. It was difficult enough that Dean saw him naked. No way was Cas going to let him see him weak and gasping and walking every tenth of a mile. Cas made it back to the house a few minutes faster than the last time, and bent over on the front walk-- hands on knees as he sucked air in and tried to slow his heart rate. He’d walked the last block or so to cool down some, but his body didn’t really care about that. Cas used the bottom edge of his shirt to wipe his forehead and then down his neck. The skin along his shoulders prickled and his arm was mostly tingling, fingers numb on the end. 

The front door popped open and Amelia pushed the door open. “Are you okay, Cas? Do you need help getting in?” 

“I’m fine,” Cas said, waving her off. She was the last person he would ask for help. 

“You’re carrying your arm like it hurts.” Amelia said. “Are you sure you’re allowed to run? Did the neurologist clear you for it?” 

“Yes, I’m cleared,” Cas snapped back, ducking down to avoid her eyes. “I’ll come in when I cool down.” He heard the soft sigh and the click of the door before he looked up again. Dean was going to be by as soon as he was finished with his last lesson of the day and he needed to get showered and ready before Dean arrived. 

Cas walked around a few times to “cool down” in case Amelia was watching before he went in. Amelia was in the kitchen making something and pointedly ignored Cas. Not that he cared. He didn’t want to say anything to her either, and he went about getting ready keeping his mind focused on the evening ahead of him. There was a reservation for dinner, and the way Dean asked him made it sound like he had something to say. The anticipation ate at Cas as he showered and changed. 

Cas went through a few different shirts trying to decide, and he had just settled on the black button up when there was a soft knock at his door. He turned, ready to tell Amelia to mind her own goddamn business, but Dean poked his head in. 

“I was hoping to catch you before you got dressed,” he said with a grin as he latched the door again 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas smiled easily enough for Dean even though his brain was still railing at Amelia. 

“Hey.” Dean met him in three steps and kissed him before sitting on the bed. “You look good.” 

“Well, I feel like shit.” A shock ran through Cas’s arm, shivering down his spine. He grabbed the top of his dresser til the worst of it passed and he breathed through. When he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Dean’ wide green eyes. He kept space between them like Cas had asked him to when his nervous system shorted like that. Touch amplified the effect, like secondary shockwaves to an already traumatized area. 

“It’s not a good day,” Cas mumbled. 

“We don’t have to go. If you need to sleep or whatever I understand.” 

Cas stared. “We have a reservation to get to.” 

“Not if you’re not up to it.” Cas laughed, dry and short. Leave it to Dean to plan a big important dinner and then abandon it in a second to do whatever he thought Cas needed. 

“We’re going,” Cas said. He tried a thin smile on for Dean and went to his closet to retrieve shoes, his arm still tingling. 

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked behind him. 

“Nothing.” 

“Jesus, Cas. Don’t make me guess.” 

“I can’t do this, okay?” Cas snapped back while he fished around for his shoes. “I ran today and now my body is fucked up again and Amelia and her goddamn fake worry in front of me and... fuck!” Another shock through the shoulder shook him and Cas threw the one shoe he did find back in the closet with a thud before he grabbed on to the closet door for support. 

A few seconds passed with Cas breathing hard and cursing himself for blowing up like that. It wasn’t Dean’s fault, but now it was all going to fall apart because of his temper. A warm arm slowly snaked around him from behind. Dean hooked his chin over Cas’s good shoulder, his chest pressed into Cas’s shoulder blades. 

“Bad day. You ran? Did it go okay before everything went haywire?” 

“Yeah.” Cas couldn’t force his voice above a whisper as he swallowed down the clog in his throat. 

“We really can stay here if you need to. I’ll run and get takeout and we can eat in bed if you want.” 

Cas curled his cooperative arm around Dean’s. “I want to go. You made plans for us.” 

“I just want to be with you, wherever that is.” Dean planted a kiss behind Cas’s ear and Cas smiled to himself. Dean always said the right thing, did the right thing. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said. “This thing with Amelia is getting ridiculous.” 

“What did she say this time?” “She came out and asked if the neuro cleared me to run. She knows that he did, but she still asks to make it sound like she gives a shit.” Cas started to reach down for the shoe he could see, but Dean halted him and knelt to find the other one. It was easy for him since he wasn’t operating on rage. 

“Sit,” Dean ordered. Cas shuffled to the bed and sat, shaking his head when Dean knelt in front of him. 

“Do I look like a kindergartner?” 

“No,” Dean said as he loosened the laces on Cas’s shoes. “But I know you can’t tie well when your arm is like this and I don’t want you to break your neck because of a loose shoelace.” He tapped the back of Cas’s calf to get him to lift, but Cas glared at him hard until Dean sighed. 

“I just want to help and you don’t let me.” 

He didn’t let anyone except Jimmy help, but Dean knew that too. Cas raised his foot for Dean and allowed him to fit it on and tie it tight, followed by the other one. Dean squeezed Cas’s knee as he stood. “Anything you need to bring?” 

“Not this time.” 

Amelia was still in the kitchen when they came down the hall hand in hand, but Jimmy was home too and he smiled broadly at them both. 

“Have a good time,” Jimmy said. 

Cas smiled on his way out, mostly because he was glad that Amelia hadn’t said a word. 

*** 

“What are we doing here?” Cas asked. 

Dean parked in front of his apartment building and popped his door but left the keys in the ignition. “I forgot something. I’ll be back out in a minute.” 

A minute climbed to three, then four, then five and Cas’s nerves stretched thinner with every passing second. It could be anything--any reason at all that they’d come here first before going to the restaurant. Cas tried to keep from imagining all the dark possibilities, but his brain zapped there faster than he could shut it down and he was suddenly immersed in the idea that this dinner was how Dean was going to let him down easy. He was going to be nice and kind and pay for dinner and then on the drive back he’d tell Cas how incompatible they were, how little they actually had in common, or maybe even how he’d met someone else. 

Dean emerged from the building with a large full plastic trash bag hanging from one arm and a large fabric bag held in the other. He put them in the back seat and then took his place in the driver’s seat, that shit-eating grin of his plastered on his face. 

“What did you do?” Cas asked. Anxiety turned his stomach upside down and Dean’s laugh didn’t help. 

“You’ll see,” Dean said as he backed out. 

“You’re making me nervous,” Cas said, voice tight and higher than normal. 

“It’s a good surprise, okay? Don’t worry about it.” 

“It’s like you don’t know me at all,” Cas said, and he smiled too when Dean laughed. It wasn’t long down the highway before Cas thought he knew where they were going, and then when Dean turned he knew for sure. 

“I thought we were going to a restaurant,” Cas said. “You made a big deal out of those reservations.” 

“We were at first. But when I was thinking about it yesterday I decided it was the wrong place for us.” Dean parked the car in the tiny lot. 

“Are we not special enough for wherever it was?” 

“Nah, you got it backwards.” Dean winked at him. “It wasn’t special enough for us.” He got out of the car and by the time Cas got out Dean had retrieved his bags from the back seat. “Carry this?” Dean handed him a cold bottle of wine and Cas cradled it in his good arm. Dean hung the trash bag from one arm and retrieved the other bag carefully before closing everything up. “Ready?” Up at the top, near the end of the pier Dean pulled a blanket from the trash bag and spread it over the rough planks and motioned for Cas to sit. 

“I have another blanket if you need it.” 

The fabric bag held portions of pasta and breadsticks and-- “Is that a pie? Did you bake a pie?” Cas asked. 

“Of course I made a pie.” 

“Did you make all of this?” 

Dean grinned again and wagged his eyebrows. “Happy Anniversary. I know how to make more than burgers.” 

“Anniv-” Shit, and a litany of other curse words flashed through Cas’s mind while he tried to stammer out some sort of acceptable reason why he hadn’t done anything special or even fucking remembered. “Dean, I--” 

“Stop right there. You’re getting all tense again.” Dean continued pulling plates and cutlery from the bag. “I did this because I wanted to. I don’t know about you but I’ve never had any real sort of anniversary with anyone before and I wanted it to be with you. So, happy three month anniversary.” 

“Dean, I…” Cas trailed off. Surveying all the food Dean had put together, the obvious care and time he put in froze the words in his mouth. 

“Just say thank you, Cas, and then we can eat.” Cas kissed him instead. Thank you wasn’t nearly good enough. 

*** 

Cas couldn’t sleep. Even after the amazing food and time out in the beach air he lay still next to Dean staring at the ceiling he couldn’t really see in the dark. His mind turned the events of the evening in every direction, examining each moment for possible missteps even though he knew there weren’t any to worry about. Instead there were heavy words that Dean had passed off as flippant. 

“I wanted it to be with you,” Dean had said. Three months felt like such a big accomplishment now. Cas couldn’t claim a three month commitment to anything since the accident--unless you counted sleeping too much and watching record numbers of netflix episodes per day. And somehow another human had invested three months of his time into Cas and Cas couldn’t figure out why. Everything about his relationship with Dean was lopsided, all of the good things slanting toward Cas. Dean got the worst of everything--dealing with Cas’s inability to do normal things a grown man should be able to do, understanding his lack of social skills, the way he could never seem to say what he actually thought except in the most cataclysmic moments. 

“Cas…” The bed shifted as Dean rolled toward him. “You okay? You’re talking to yourself.” Dean touched Cas’s chest like he was checking his heartbeat. 

“I’m fine,” Cas said. “‘kay.” Dean pressed a lazy kiss to Cas’s t-shirt covered shoulder and rolled back. Cas followed his motion. There was just enough light through the curtains to make out the top of Dean’s head and the curve of his ear as he lay on his side. His shoulder raised with a deep sleepy breath and Cas watched him move in the dark so he could be sure he was actually asleep before he curled in behind Dean. He pressed his forehead to the back of Dean’s neck and listened to him breathe even, once, twice, a third time. 

“I love you.” He said it just loud enough to be actual words, but still well below a whisper. He didn’t want to wake Dean again. 

*** 

“Don’t look so nervous, Cas.” 

“They’re your two best friends.” 

“So?” 

“So? Really?” Cas glared at him. “What if they don’t like me?” 

“They’re going to love you, Cas.” Dean glanced over. “Well, not Benny, but he doesn’t like anyone real well. Charlie, though--she’ll think you’re wonderful just because you like me.” 

“So you didn’t tell them how much you put up with me,” Cas said. 

“Don’t talk about yourself like that.” Dean said, and as if the words weren’t enough he glanced at Cas with warning in his eyes. 

“Dean--” 

“I mean it, Cas. I get to decide how I feel about you--you don’t get to tell me.” Dean looked right and left before pulling into the parking lot of the bar where they were meeting Benny and Charlie for pool and drinks. Dean’s face lit up bright when he caught sight of his friends from just inside the door. They already had a table running, but they both stopped as Dean approached, long legs making quick work of the distance. He hugged Benny first, then moved on to Charlie, who he lifted in the air despite her protests. “Benny, Charlie, this is Cas Novak,” Dean beamed at him just as bright and Cas felt some of his nervousness drain away. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Cas.” Charlie said. “Yeah,” was all Benny had to offer in way of a greeting. But Dean said he didn’t like much of anyone, so Cas tried not to be bothered by Benny’s general air of disdain. 

“I got next,” Dean said. “Come on, Cas.” 

Cas followed until they got to the counter and Dean ordered drinks for everyone. 

“I bet Charlie loses,” Dean said with a nod to their table. Charlie was laughing and talking as she set up, so she didn’t quite line things up properly. She blew it off when Benny said something. 

“Not a great pool player?” 

“She’s the best out of all of us. But we only see Benny once or twice a year and he gets cranky when he loses.” The bartender set all the mugs on the top of the counter and Cas watched the glasses in his charge carefully until they were safely set on their table. Firmly in first place, Benny smiled and teased Charlie while she lined up her next shot. His gaze landed on Cas and cooled instantly. Charlie while she lined up her next shot. His gaze landed on Cas and cooled instantly. 

“When is Garth coming?” Benny asked, eyes still drilling into Cas. 

“As soon as he can. He had something to finish up at the shop and then he’ll be over.” Dean was too busy sizing up the possibilities for Benny’s next shot to notice the way Benny glared. Cas melted into his seat and focused on his beer. He could hang back, let Dean be with his friends, maybe ask Garth to take him home early, or call Jimmy. 

“So.” Charlie plopped down across the table when she lost. “Tell me everything,” she said with a smile. Cas glanced to Dean, who was racking up a new game and laughing with Benny. 

“This one mine?” Charlie asked, motioning to the beer closest to her. 

“Sure. I don’t think it matters yet.” 

“Okay. Talk.” 

“Um… I don’t know what to say.” 

“Dean says you moved here a few months ago?” 

“Yeah,” Cas said. He tried to sneak in a deep breath to calm himself without Charlie noticing. 

“Where from?” 

“Illinois. My other brother lives up there.” 

“You have two brothers?” 

Cas told her mostly about Jimmy, since he was the one she was most likely to meet. Charlie was fascinated by the identical twin thing and when Dean and Benny joined them at the table she reached across and patted Cas’s hand. “You didn’t tell me Cas is a twin.” 

“It didn’t seem important,” Dean said. 

“How do you tell them apart?” 

Dean laughed. “Well, Cas is the one that sleeps at my place.” 

Cas’s face went warm as everyone laughed. He knew it wasn’t at his expense, but it was still so personal. Dean slung an arm around Cas’s chair, hand settled on his shoulder with just the right weight. “I guess they just look different to me. Jimmy is kind of loose and less focused. And Cas,” Dean got his attention with the mention of his name. Cas met his eyes and a spark passed between them. “Cas looks at everything like it matters.” 

Did he? Is that what separated him from Jimmy? Cas’s lips parted in the smallest of smiles. 

Dean leaned in to whisper. “You okay?” 

Cas nodded, his stubble dragging against Dean’s where their cheeks met. “Nervous,” he whispered back. 

Dean brushed a light kiss across Cas’s lips before he sat back up and took a drink of his beer. 

“We got plans for the race tomorrow?” Benny asked. 

“Besides kicking it in the ass?” Dean asked. 

“Not at all.” 

“We should probably figure some things out. What are you good at?” Benny’s deep eyes fell on Cas and Cas hunched back into Dean’s arms. 

“Hey now. It’s a team thing. Cas is a runner and he’ll be a good teammate. We’ll do whatever it is that needs done.” 

“I’m just thinking it’ll be you and me doing any boosting and lifting since Charlie and Garth weigh about a hundred pounds between the two of them. Unless your boy here can do some of it.” Cas felt each millisecond individually--the way Dean’s fingers curled tight into his shoulder and how he leaned forward defensively. Cas caught Dean’s knee and squeezed just as time sped back up. 

“I can do whatever needs done,” Cas said. “And we all work together, right?” 

Dean eased and he pulsed Cas’s shoulder as his smile went wide. “See? Team player,” he said. 

“Just what we need.” Benny gave a begrudging nod Cas’s direction. 

*** 

By the time they reached the last obstacles in the race they were all fairly covered in mud, and everyone held their ribs as they walked to the next obstacle. Dean pranced his glorious in-shape body in between all of them, earning glares from all parties. “Come on--almost there,” he chirped, and Charlie’s death glare slowed him down. 

“Why did I ever let you talk me into this?” She groaned. I’m not going to be able to move for a week.” 

“Consider it the start of marathon training and just keep going.” Charlie rolled her eyes. 

“Does he try to guilt you into exercise too?” she asked Cas. 

“All the time,” Cas said as he met Dean’s eyes. He couldn’t wink right, but he gave it his best try and Dean laughed. Dean slowed his pace to match Cas and stole a kiss on the cheek. 

“You’re doing great,” Dean said, voice low and private. 

“Thanks.” 

“You okay? You look like you hurt.” 

“I’ll be fine,” Cas said. 

“You said you’d tell me if--” 

“I’m fine,” Cas insisted even as the skin of his arm prickled and burned, mostly the usual daily pain tweaked by the way he’d used his arm throughout the course. “One more and we’re through and I’ll stand in a hot shower for the rest of the day.” 

Another climbing obstacle loomed ahead. Benny and Dean went to the wall to boost. They pushed Charlie up the wall first to help pull Garth, and then it was Cas’s turn. Benny followed Cas and it took everyone to help him breach the top. Benny had done well until the last few obstacles after twisting one of his knees in an awkward slip in the mud. But they all pulled together and he came over the top with a grunt and a muttered thank you. 

“Let’s get out of his way,” Charlie said, nodding to Dean. Charlie and Garth jumped down and waited to help Benny if he needed it. Benny landed with a grunt as he tried to protect his knee. Cas stayed. Dean didn’t need his help, but he wanted to be there as he crossed the top. 

Dean backed up and ran for the wall. A jump and push off of one foot helped him easily grab for the top without aid but he still took Cas’s offered hand with a smile and settled himself at the top. He pecked Cas on the mouth. 

“Almost done,” he said before he jumped. He looked up expectantly, mud streaking his face around his bright smile and Cas’s heart swelled. Of all the people Cas had ever known no one had ever believed in him so fervently and still given him a place to be himself. And while he had loved some people and been loved in return, no one had ever looked at him the way Dean did. 

Cas jumped. With the landing came a jolt that ran straight up through his legs, up the spine, down each arm and back through him. He tensed and breathed through, trying to relax everything so he could continue to the finish line with his team. He could feel Dean hovering but not touching. 

“Cas?” Cas forced his eyes open, and a faint smile to reassure his boyfriend. 

“I’m fine. It’s just… too much in one day I guess.” 

“We’ll get you home then. Finish line?” Dean offered his hand and Cas accepted. 

*** 

“Let’s grab your stuff and you can come home with me,” Dean said as they pulled in to Jimmy’s driveway. 

“I’m staying here tonight.” 

“Come on, Cas, you can hardly move. Let me--” 

“I need to sleep by myself,” Cas said. 

“I’ll sleep on the couch, then. I don’t want you to be alone.” 

Cas sighed. When they’d had this conversation the first time he knew Dean would push back when it actually came time to drop him off. “Jimmy and Amelia will be home later.” 

Dean clenched the steering wheel even though they were safely parked. Everything he wanted to say passed through his face, and Cas appreciated that he kept his mouth shut anyway. 

“Breakfast with everyone tomorrow?” Dean asked. 

“Yes.” Cas leaned across the seat to kiss him. The move cost him, but it was worth it. 

“Tomorrow.” He took his time getting out of the car and making his way up the walk with a trash bag in hand. Shower, meds, and straight to bed. 

“Cas?” 

He stopped in the walk and turned back to see Dean’s hanging out of the car window. “Yes, Dean?” 

“Call, okay? Even if it’s 3 a.m.” 

“I will,” Cas said. He fully planned to be sleeping, but a yes from him meant Dean felt better. 

“Write it down, okay? You finished this.” 

“We finished it,” Cas said. Dean grinned at him and put a hand up in a wave. He was stiff too, but less inclined to admit it. 

“We did,” Dean said. “Call me in the morning.” 

Cas left his decimated shoes on the porch. He’d probably have to throw them away. There was no way he was going to be able to get the mud out of every crevice in those shoes. He was clean enough to go into the house after rinsing off at the race site and changing, but there was still mud in his hair and so many other places. Jimmy and Amelia wouldn’t be back until late, so Cas cranked the shower as hot as it would go and stayed under the spray until the water threatened to go cold. As bad as his body felt after the challenge, he was happy. It was done, and Dean was right--it was the perfect challenge for his list. Charlie seemed to be the type who had adopted him for life, and Benny had loosened up after they’d made it through a few events. Cas could see why Dean loved them both. 

Cas dried himself in slow motion, his body uncooperative after the abuse it had taken. He took his medication and crawled into bed with his laptop with the intention of putting something on Netflix to fall asleep by. By the time he got settled though, he was too tired. He pushed the computer toward the wall and curled up under his weighted blanket. He should have gone home with Dean. He could have taken the blanket and meds and everything he needed. Dean would have listened and slept separate if that’s what he needed to keep his nerves from acting up. And if everything was fine they could be curled together, talking about the challenge

He’d forgotten to write it down. Cas rolled, fully intending to get up and finish the task, but his body complained, and his notebook was across the room in his backpack. It could wait for morning. Cas closed his eyes and mentally thanked Dean for the push to do the event in the first place. 

*** 

Cas woke when the garage door slammed and muffled words grew louder. He yawned awake and checked the time on his phone, arm complaining at the reach. 10:30. He’d had a few hours at least. He settled back in, but then Amelia’s voice sang louder than Jimmy’s, just like always. “He’s not getting any better.” 

Cas heard those words loud and clear. 

“Cas is… he’s fine, Amelia.” 

“You know that’s not true. If he’s fine then why isn’t he working? Why isn’t he trying to get his own place?” 

“He can’t do that right now.” 

“So he’s mooching off of us and taking all of your free time. This is the first time you and I have spent a day together since he moved in with us.” 

Cas waited for Jimmy to push back, to say something in his defense, but silence stretched and Cas’s stomach twisted as he waited. 

“I haven’t been making enough time for you,” Jimmy said. 

“Three months of this, Jimmy.” “Cas needs us right now.” “It’s been a year, Jimmy. Gabriel didn’t push him to do anything, but I thought you would want to see him getting back to his life.” 

“I do want that,” Jimmy said, and Cas’s eyes watered. He knew that too. They’d talked about it several times. 

“He’s in a relationship,” Jimmy said. “And Dean has been really good for him.” 

“What about Dean though?” Amelia’s voice softened and Cas had to strain to hear. “You and I both know he’s wasting his time on Cas.” 

“You don’t know that,” Jimmy said, but his voice lacked conviction. 

“What’s changed since Inias? Tell me, Jimmy, because we should save Dean that pain if we can.” Cas waited again for his brother to say something, anything. It was different, he told himself, but then as Jimmy said nothing his mind unpacked Amelia’s words.  _ She’s right. I haven’t changed since Inias _ . 

“That’s not a decision for us to make.” 

“You don’t feel obligated to warn Dean about this? Cas is going to keep taking from him and break his heart in the end.” 

Jimmy sighed heavily. “I don’t want to talk about this any more. Cas’s business is his own business.” Jimmy’s familiar cadence passed down the hall to the bedroom and a few minutes later Cas heard Amelia follow. 

He pulled the blankets up tight, mentally pushing back against the protests in his shoulder and arm. Dean was probably still up with Benny and Charlie, laughing and talking, still catching up on what they’d missed in their time apart. Or maybe he was home by now, reading in bed, glasses tilted on his nose while he tried not to nod off. 

Cas sniffed, tears spilling down his face. All he’d asked for was to take care of Cas and Cas had pushed him off, basically told him that he didn’t need him, didn’t want him, and Dean had gone along with it. He wanted to be different for Dean, but all he seemed to do was loop his old life. 

*** 

Six seconds, they said. 

The car rolled and crunched obscenely around him and Cas held Jimmy’s hand until the car stopped with a groan upside down. He turned to Balthazar in the passenger seat, but his eyes were open and flat. He tried to scream for help, for Balthazar, for someone to save him, but nothing came out no matter how hard he tried. 

“Cas, Cas.. it’s okay.” Jimmy--flesh and blood Jimmy--pulled the blankets back and held him. “Do you want me to call him?” 

“What?” Cas croaked. 

“You were calling for Dean.” 

“No. Don’t… don’t…” Cas pulled out of Jimmy’s hold and whimpered at the fire it ignited through his upper body. “Don’t let him come back,” Cas muttered as he lay back down. Get it over with quick, take care of it now before Dean could be hurt. 

“Did something happen?” 

“I’m bad for him,” Cas said. He met Jimmy’s eyes in the dark. “Like Inias, right? Don’t let Dean don’t let me hurt him.” Jimmy’s grip loosened as he spoke, and Cas pulled the blanket over his head. He wouldn’t sleep again--not that night--and he didn’t want Jimmy sitting up with him. 

“Sure, Cas.” Jimmy said. The bed moved as he stood and left Cas to be alone. 


	4. 3 months, part 2

Dean knocked on Jimmy’s door politely the first time and waited. He could give him that courtesy for about two more minutes before he lost his mind. It had been almost 48 hours since he’d actually spoken to Cas face to face, and otherwise nothing from Cas since the short text Sunday morning that he wasn’t feeling good enough for breakfast with Benny, Charlie and Garth. 

He had texted Cas all day Sunday like normal and took the lack of responses to mean that Cas was resting up, recovering. Dean hadn’t realized anything was wrong until sometime mid-morning on Monday when he showed up for work and Garth asked if Cas was feeling any better. Dean called, he texted, and after a few hours he got a text from an unfamiliar number:  _ This is Jimmy. He doesn’t want to talk to you. _

Not once in the three months he’d been with Cas had they gone so long without at least a quick text, but now--suddenly--radio silence. Dean beat on the door, three loud thumps that they had to hear. Jimmy’s car was still in the driveway so he was home, which most likely meant Cas was too. Dean stopped just short of going around to stare in windows, though it took all his willpower to stay on that porch and give one of the twins time to answer. He raised his arm again, ready to raise the volume once more, but he heard the deadbolt slide and the wood door stick in the humidity before Jimmy got it open. 

On the drive over after work he’d gone over all the things he wanted to say. Part of him wanted to scream about the injustice of being cast off so callously without even a text from Cas to let him know he wasn’t wanted anymore. Another large part of Dean demanded to know precisely why. But more than gaining some sort of closure by yelling or wheedling at Cas to get the truth behind why this had happened he wanted to know just one thing. 

“Is he okay?” Dean asked. 

Jimmy slumped against the doorframe, exhaustion etched into the corners of his eyes and the way he looked down at the ground admitted his complicity in the situation. It took a little bit of time to get used to dating an identical twin, but telling Jimmy and Cas apart came easily when he stopped looking at their faces so much. 

“Jimmy!” Dean barked. “Is he okay?” 

“He doesn’t want to see you,” Jimmy said. 

“I know. Did I do something wrong?” 

“It’s not you, Dean. Cas is… he’s not himself right now.” 

Dean put it together quick. “Let me see him.” 

Jimmy looked into Dean’s eyes and it was hard not to see Cas in his expression. “I think he doesn’t want you to see him like this.” 

“Because I don’t know he’s depressed? God, Jimmy, just let me in. I know about all this.” 

“You haven’t seen him really low, Dean.” Jimmy looked down the hall where Dean was pretty sure Cas was sleeping, then stepped out on the porch and closed the door behind him. 

“What the fuck, Jimmy.” Dean looked him over for any clue as to why this was happening while Jimmy tried to sort out the right words to say. 

“He has meltdowns like this every once in a while,” he finally said. “It usually takes a week or so to clear out and then he slowly gets back to normal.” Jimmy pinched the top of his nose like he was trying to stave off a headache and closed his eyes. “It’s usually a ‘my life is so meaningless’ low point, but this time he’s told himself he doesn’t deserve you and that’s all he can focus on.” 

“That’s not true. Not at all.” Dean racked his brain for any possible conversation or even just a phrase that could possibly have led to Cas’s wild assumption, but he came up empty. “Please, Jimmy. Just let me go in there and talk to him.” 

“I don’t know, Dean.” “Maybe I can convince him that he’s wrong about me.” 

“There’s no convincing Cas when he’s like this,” Jimmy said. “You can’t reason with him.” 

Desperation rose in Dean’s chest. “Maybe if he knows that I came to see him.” Dean caught each movement that proved Jimmy was considering his options. The muscles and tendons in his jaw went to work, narrowing his cheeks and making him more like Cas, who was still gaunt from months of not caring for himself. 

“Okay. But you leave if he asks you to.” 

Dean nodded and followed Jimmy inside. His stomach twisted as they walked down the hall where Amelia hung family pictures. He’d been to the house a handful of times, but he and Cas usually went back to his place because of Amelia’s little air of displeasure over everything related to Cas. 

Jimmy rapped his knuckles on the door and eased it open. “Cas? You awake?” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

Dean’s nerves went on high alert at the sound of Cas’s deep voice and his hands started to shake so he shoved them in his pockets. 

“It’s not food,” Jimmy said as he pushed the door wide, nodding to Dean to go in. Cas lay under a pile of blankets, facing away from the door. The only light came in faintly around the edges of the curtains on the window. 

“Cas?” Dean’s voice gave out on the last sound, but he still went around to the far side of the bed. Cas stared into the dim corner of his room, eyes vacant even when he lifted them to see Dean. 

“Jimmy?” he said softly, eyes darting over Dean’s face like he could read his intentions. 

“I’m here, Cas,” Jimmy said from the doorway. 

“I said not to let him--” 

“It’s been a couple days, Cas. You didn’t think I’d noticed that I hadn’t heard from you?” Dean took a risk and sat on the edge of the bed. Cas frowned at the place where he sat until his eyes drifted back up to Dean’s face. 

“Why are you here?” 

“I was worried about you.” Dean wanted to reach out and stroke Cas’s face, or put a hand on his shoulder, but he understood how tenuous the situation was and didn’t want to spoil it with a careless motion. 

“Why?” Cas said it so plainly and didn’t register how hard it hit Dean. 

“Cas, you--you’re very important to me.” They hadn’t made bigger promises out loud yet, and he didn’t push until Cas laughed dry and disbelieving. 

“Very important, Jimmy. Did you hear that?” 

Dean looked over at Jimmy. He’d parked himself against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest. 

He shook his head at Dean as he answered his brother. “Don’t be an asshole, Cas.” 

“Fuck you, Jimmy.” Dean kept his eyes on Cas but saw Jimmy leave out of the corner of his eye. How many times had Cas said that over the last several days? Cas resumed his stare into the dim room and Dean tried to decide what to do. He already knew there was nothing he could say, but maybe there was something he could do. Dean toed off his shoes and swallowed hard. Cas might scream at him, threaten him, or kick him out but Dean knew he’d regret it if he didn’t try. Three steps put him at the end of the bed and he crawled up the long way behind Cas. Cas didn’t protest the way Dean expected him to--not even when Dean lined their bodies up and dropped an arm over his waist and hugged him close. Cas didn’t yield the way he usually did to Dean’s touch. Dean pressed his forehead against the back of Cas’s head and tried to keep his breathing steady. 

"Cas.” Even getting that much out was difficult, but Dean pushed forward. “Can I be here with you?” 

Cas didn’t answer. He didn’t complain or yell or smile or laugh. He lay still aside from the faint rise and fall of his chest. He did let Dean continue to lay with him, though, and Dean decided that for now it was enough. Maybe this way Cas would actually be able to hear what he had to say whenever Cas was ready to listen. Dean ventured a move. He bent at the elbow and flattened his hand over Cas’s heart. He waited for outrage or indifference, unsure of which might be worse. But then Cas closed his hand over Dean’s and Dean’s heart raced. He hooked his chin over Cas’s shoulder. 

“Do you want to talk?” he whispered. 

Cas shook his head slightly and Dean returned his head to rest behind Cas’s. He could be quiet for Cas. It wasn’t dark yet, but the room dimmed over long minutes where they breathed together. All the tension Cas held throughout his body slowly dissipated. He let his back mold to Dean’s chest and hooked an ankle over Dean’s. 

Dean held him as tight as Cas allowed. He wasn’t angry anymore--he was afraid. If he let go, Cas might not come back to him. If he held tight, Cas might push him away. Jimmy was right. He hadn’t seen this, but he wanted more than anything to pull Cas out of it. Dean shifted behind Cas, and Cas’s hand clasped around his wrist. “Stay?” 

It was part question and part plea. 

“Of course,” Dean said. He pressed a flat dry kiss to the back of Cas’s neck meant as a simple reminder that he was there. Cas shuddered under his arm, and Dean leaned up and over his shoulder. “Cas?” 

Cas ducked away from him, and Dean knew. He twisted his arm from Cas’s grasp and stroked lines under Cas’s eyes and along his cheekbones to clear the tears. He cupped Cas’s face and kissed his cheek before he slid his smooth skin against Cas’s three-day stubble. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” Dean finally said when he could catch a breath. “Just let me take care of you.” 

Cas didn’t say anything, but he grabbed onto Dean’s arm like he was drowning and his body shook. Dean whispered his love into Cas’s skin. 

*** 

The click of the door woke Dean. He’d never navigated Cas’s room in full dark before, but he scooted to the end of the bed and stretched his neck and shoulders. Cas could just be in the bathroom, but then he probably wouldn’t have shut the bedroom door. Dean stood and eased the door open. There was no light on under the bathroom door, so he shuffled down the hall toward the living room, rubbing his neck with one hand. Cas sat on the couch, knees pulled up in front of him and a blanket over him. His hair stood riotously on end and Dean grinned. He loved Cas all the time, but this was his favorite Cas--the one who didn’t care about all the expectations everyone had heaped on him over time. Jimmy saw Dean first and offered a tight smile. 

“Dean. Want a sandwich?” He held up a loaf of bread in it’s plastic bag and Dean’s stomach rumbled. 

“Yeah, Jimmy. Thanks.” Dean sat next to Cas and even though Cas didn’t say anything, he shifted to allow for Dean. After an awkward moment where Dean didn’t know what to do--what Cas would want him to do--Cas adjusted to lean into his side, lowering his head to Dean’s shoulder. 

"Been up awhile?” Dean asked. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said low and Dean denied it before he could finish the last syllable. 

“No reason to be,” Dean said, pressing his face into Cas’s hair. He worked his arm out from between them and wrapped it around Cas’s shoulders. 

“I was thoughtless,” Cas said.”I didn’t--” 

“Thoughtless is the last word I’d use for you.” Cas trembled against him in spite of the warm blanket and arm around his shoulder. “You think too much about everything.” 

Jimmy brought sandwiches on small ceramic plates and while Cas dutifully took his it was obvious he had no plans to actually eat it. He balanced it on the arm of the couch and pressed himself deeper into Dean. 

“I’m not eating if you don’t, Cas. Come on,” Dean urged. 

“Dean, you’re starving. I can feel your stomach complaining.” 

Dean shrugged. “Together, okay?” 

Cas’s eyes went from Dean’s face to the food and back to examine Dean again. His brow furrowed. “I’m not a child,” he said. 

“I know.” Dean waited until Cas took his first bite before he followed suit. Jimmy took the recliner closest to Cas while he ate. No one spoke. They were too busy surreptitiously watching Cas eat. He didn’t eat much, but a few bites were better than nothing. Cas held tight to the plate until Dean took it from him and set it on the oval coffee table. Cas shifted so he lay heavily against Dean’s chest and it wasn’t long until he was asleep again. Dean chewed the last of his sandwich slowly as he ran his hand lightly over Cas’s upper arm. It seemed like the right time to figure out what to say, but there was too much and not enough. Dean knew he didn’t have the right words--not for this. So he kept his mouth shut and kept thinking it through. Maybe if he worked it over in his head enough he’d find what Cas needed. 

“Before the accident Cas was always dragging me into trouble with him,” Jimmy said. “He was brave. Braver than any of us. Even Gabe.” He laughed dry and harsh, and Cas sighed into Dean, his head sinking lower on Dean’s chest. 

“Gabe pulled some crazy shit.” 

Dean’s chest bounced with a contained laugh and ended with a snort of air out his nose. “That’s what Cas said too.” He rubbed Cas’s arm again so Cas could know his presence even in sleep. 

Jimmy’s eyes started to shine, but he never took his eyes off his brother. “Thanks for making him do the tough mudder thing. I never thought he’d actually get something marked off that damn list ever again.” 

“Really? He carries it everywhere.” 

“Habit, I think. He used that notebook in the hospital when he wasn’t talking yet and then he made the list in there.” Jimmy mopped up his face with his sleeve and breathed in, letting the air shudder back out. “He had all those things he wanted to do but he never really went back to being our Cas, you know? The accident didn’t kill his body, but it killed a lot of his personality.” 

Jimmy gestured to Cas and choked down a breath. “Sorry. I miss my brother.” 

Dean leveled a look at Jimmy, arms tensed around Cas. “That’s a shitty thing to say. He might not be the Cas you remember, but he’s still your brother.” The idea that there was something wrong with Cas, like the real Cas was this dead thing sent a protective rush through Dean. “I’ve only known this Cas and I love him.” 

Jimmy’s eyebrows raised upon Dean’s declaration. “I like you, Dean. I like the way you are with him and I’ll admit that he’s been doing better since he met you. But you haven’t done a year watching him drown like this and having to ignore the way he treats you.” 

“Jimmy,” Dean started, but Jimmy waved him off. 

“Listen to me,” Jimmy implored with begging eyes. “This isn’t going to go away for him. The anxiety, the phobias, these low points of depression--this is forever for Cas. You’d be doing him a favor to go now before you get even more involved.” 

“You did not just tell me to leave him.” Dean kept his voice low, but only for Cas’s sake. His fingers clenched tight around Cas’s shoulder to keep from shaking and he stared straight at Jimmy, daring him to answer for his words. 

“I’m not telling you to go. I’m saying… I’m saying you need to know what this is and if you want out--ditch now. Cas doesn’t need someone else to leave him over this.” 

That stuck in Dean’s brain, where he turned it over and over to examine from every angle. “Who left him, Jimmy?” 

Jimmy suddenly looked nervous. “Have you guys not talked exes since you got together?” 

“Yeah, but he said no one since the accident.” 

“Inias?” 

“I thought he was before the accident.” 

“And during and after… okay.” Jimmy scraped his hands down the sides of his face. He looked at Cas breathing steadily against Dean. “Quick and dirty,” he said, voice low. “He and Inias were together for about two years. I liked Inias a lot, but you saw a little bit about how Cas can get. He dishes it to me and he did it to Gabe, but Inias probably got it the worst and none of us realized until he left and Cas had his first big spiral down.” 

An edge of anger flashed through Dean that Cas had lied, but he could understand too. Who would want to say that their last relationship broke up because they had driven their partner away? 

“Is that why he talks like he does about himself?” Dean asked. 

“I think he started doing that as some sort of penance, but now it’s habit,” Jimmy said, pain etching his face. 

Dean knew all about that. “Go to bed, Jimmy. I’ve got him now- you don’t have to worry.” 

Jimmy’s eyes flashed through a million different thoughts before they settled deep blue and uneasy. “Will you be here in the morning?” 

Dean nodded. Words were too hard, and he didn’t want to wake Cas. Cas always fought so hard to get to sleep so Dean wasn’t about to deny him the privilege of staying there. Dean didn’t fully relax back into the couch until he heard Jimmy close the door. So many thoughts flooded his head that he wasn’t sure where to begin except for the one idea bigger and brighter than everything else. 

*** 

His neck hurt. His neck hurt and Cas was gone. Dean stretched in the early light and tried to work out the parts of his spine crunched from falling asleep on the couch. He padded down the hall to where the light was on in Cas’s room and pushed the door open. Cas sat on the floor leaned up against the bed with his notebook on his knee, staring. His hand shook, the pen he held wobbling with nervous energy. 

“Cas?” Dean asked softly. 

Cas whipped his head around, eyes wide. “I didn’t mark it down.” 

“What?” Dean asked. 

“The race. The challenge. The…. on the list.” 

“It’s okay. We can mark it now.” Dean closed the door behind him and sat on the floor next to Cas. The last time he’d seen the list Tough Mudder hadn’t been included, but there it was on the bottom just underneath another item marked with an X. Dean’s heart thudded to a halt. 

“What’s this, Cas?” 

“Nothing.” Cas whispered. “Please.” 

Dean slid the notebook from Cas’s fingers and held it close because he was sure there was something wrong with his eyes.  _ Tell Dean I love him _ , marked starkly on the white page in black ink, written over several times and marked off with the X on the side. 

“When did you… I mean…” 

“Every night when you’re asleep.” Cas kept his eyes down. “I’m sorry.” 

Dean ran his fingers over the letters. “How long?” 

“I don’t know. A while.” Dean set the notebook up on the bed and tilted his head back.  _ A while _ . 

“Can we talk for a minute? Like if I ask you something can you talk right now?” 

“Yes, Dean.” 

“Why didn’t you say it to me? Like, awake me?” 

Cas gritted his teeth and Dean was sure he’d screwed it all up by asking the hard question directly, but then Cas took a breath and raised his eyes to the ceiling. “I thought you might say it back.” 

“Is that a problem? Because I do love you.” 

“Don’t.” Cas hissed, cold hard eyes turned on Dean. “You feel bad for me; you don’t love me.” 

Dean didn’t back down. “I told your brother I loved you a couple hours ago over sandwiches, and if you think that doesn’t count I told Charlie and Benny at breakfast the morning you didn’t come when I thought everything was good between us. Text Charlie. I know she gave you her number.” 

This was the line. Dean couldn’t force Cas to believe him and didn’t want to. And if Cas wouldn’t allow them to survive the low point together, he couldn’t make him do that either. 

“My phone’s on the night stand.” Cas said. Dean handed it over and waited while Cas typed out what he wanted to say. 

“Will she be up this early?” Cas asked. 

“She probably hasn’t even been to bed yet.” 

Cas cradled the phone in his hands while he waited on the response. 

“If she says I’m right will you believe me then?” Dean asked. 

He watched Cas consider, but knew the answer before the words left Cas’s mouth. “I don’t know.” 

“Will you ever believe me?” 

“I don’t know.” Dean didn’t know why he did it. It felt contrary to the situation, but he took the phone out of Cas’s hand, tossed it on the floor and carefully threaded their fingers together. He kept his eyes on their hands because he knew Cas was staring at him and if he looked directly into those melancholy blue eyes he might cry. He’d tasted life with Cas and now it was all he wanted, even for days and nights like this. 

“Dean...” 

The phone buzzed and lit on the floor with Charlie’s response. 

“Read it, Cas. I know you need to.” Dean itched as indecision splayed over Cas’s face. 

“Why are you doing this, Dean?” 

“I love you, Cas. I don’t know what else to say besides that.” Dean held Cas tight, memorizing the lines of bone and tendon in case it was the last time. The phone buzzed and lit again. Cas picked it up and scanned the lines of text, his face losing all color as he read. He shoved the phone at Dean and took his hand back, pushing up to stand. Dean grabbed the phone, confused, while Cas paced the small bedroom. 

> **Cas:** Did Dean tell you how he felt about me at breakfast the other day? 
> 
> _ Charlie: _ He only proclaimed his undying love. And congratulations on getting his first I love you EVER IN THE UNIVERSE 
> 
> _ Charlie: _ Did he ask you to move in? You said yes didn’t you??? 

“What is she talking about?” Cas said faintly. 

“I don’t know which part you’re panicking about.” Dean scrambled to his feet and watched Cas pace. 

“All of it! You’ve never said that to anyone? Were you going to ask me to move in or is that Charlie making something bigger out of this?” 

“Yes. I was going to ask you. I had something planned.” 

“Dean, don’t do this to yourself--” 

“Move in with the man I love? Hell, yes I want to do that.” Dean stared straight back at Cas, daring him to push again. “I’ll say it over and over again.” 

“Don’t you know what I am?” Cas screamed. “I will rip you apart when I’m down and you won’t love--love--” Cas devolved into stutters and gasped breaths. He tried to push Dean away when he came close, but Dean refused, making his body a resolute wall. 

“Cas, I’m not going anywhere,” Dean said. 

The door wrenched open and Jimmy looked between the two of them, chest heaving. “What the fuck is going on in here?” 

“Sorry, Jimmy.” Dean said. 

“Jimmy, did you know he loves me?” Cas asked, voice cracking. 

“Yes. Why are you screaming at him at five a.m.?” 

“He asked me to move in with him.” 

Jimmy’s eyes darted to Dean. “You did what?” 

“I was going to do it before this happened and nothing’s changed for me.” 

Jimmy studied Dean’s face, his eyes narrowing just like Cas did sometimes. “You should do it, Cas. If you want to.” 

“I’ll fuck it up, Jimmy.” 

“I don’t think so,” Jimmy said, grinning at his brother. “I don’t think he’ll let you.” 

Cas hung his head for a long moment and Dean held his breath. It was up to him. Dean knew what he wanted, but it was ultimately up to Cas. Dean reached out to him, the offered hand shaking even though he tried not to. 

Cas stared at it, then followed the line of his arm up to his face. “I’m not good at this.” 

“I am,” Dean said as he stepped close. Cas gasped at the near contact, but Dean grinned as he fit their hands together again. “We can do this together and figure it out.” 

Cas swallowed audibly and Dean pulled him in at the waist. Once their bodies made contact Cas melted into him, grabbing at him desperately. 

“Will you come with me?” Dean whispered in his ear. “Let me take care of you?” 

Cas nodded against his neck. “You shouldn’t have to.” 

“Cas, come on. Taking care of people is what I do. And I like you best, so I’m going to be really good to you.” Cas laughed into his shirt and Dean was finally able to relax too. He swayed them together slightly and rubbed his cheek against Cas’s hair. They could do it. Together they could do it.


	5. 9 months

Pamela Barnes kept a friendly space in her office, even if she had more knick-knacks than Cas thought she should. He told her as much at their third appointment, but six months later he understood that every item was identifiably Pamela, and sometimes there was comfort in seeing her definitively everywhere. 

“Cas.” He looked up and realized that he hadn’t said anything when she finished talking. 

Cas cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I zoned out. I didn’t mean to.” 

“It’s okay. What’s bothering you?” Pamela leaned back in her seat. She managed not to look very judgmental or concerned most of the time, so her furrowed brow worried Cas. 

“Nothing big.” 

“I listen to small things too.” She smiled her encouragement and Cas decided to go for it. 

“Dean and I are fighting.” He fidgeted with the edge of his t-shirt. It was easier to spit it out if he had something to do with his hands while he spoke. “He got an invitation to go to his brother’s graduation in California and he didn’t tell me about it. I don’t think he’s going to go.” 

“And you think he should.” 

“I think we both should. Dean hasn’t seen his brother in person in a couple years, plus this is important. And I want to meet Sam too.” They’d talked on skype plenty of times, but it wasn’t the same to Cas. Cas looked up to catch Pamela’s approval. 

“What does Dean say?” 

“He won’t talk about it.” 

“Did you tell him that you need to work it out?” 

Cas shrugged. He wasn’t going to admit he hadn’t when she already knew. 

“Cas, it’s probably worth your time to find out why he doesn’t want to go.” Pamela leaned toward him, dark eyes serious. “I know you’re thinking it has something to do with you, but you owe it to yourself to find out the real reasons before you go condemning yourself for something that maybe has nothing to do with you.” 

Cas shifted in his seat, trying to find a place to hide his discomfort. “Okay.” 

“If you’d like to bring him next time we can all talk together again.” 

“No, I don’t think so.” Cas looked away. Dean would come if he asked, but Cas didn’t want to ask. Pamela said something else too, but he was already focused on figuring out how to bring it all up to Dean without making things worse. 

*** 

He only had to wait ten minutes or so before the roar of the Impala signaled Dean’s return for him. Dean rolled down his window the second Cas stepped out of the building and grinned. “Hey, Good Lookin’. Need a ride?” 

Cas’s face went red and he glanced side to side to see if anyone had overheard, but it was near the end of Pamela’s day, and there were only a few empty cars left in the lot. Dean chuckled as Cas got in and reached for his hand. Cas sighed when their fingers slid together and relaxed into the seat after he got buckled. Maybe everything was okay after all and he’d overblown the issue. 

“Have a good session?” 

“I think so,” Cas said. 

“Are you up for a call with Sam? I was planning to skype him after dinner.” 

“You can have the call to yourself.” Cas looked out the window. It was better that way today. He didn’t process correctly for a while on therapy nights--saw too much in a situation or not enough, and it seemed best most times to keep to himself until the next morning. 

“He likes to talk to you too, you know. In fact--I think he likes you better than me these days.” 

“That’s not true.” 

Dean flashed a grin. “You know it is the way you two talk books.” 

“Dean,” Cas started, prepared to tell him to back off, but Dean did it on his own, turning his eyes fully on the road and driving on in silence. 

“Anyway, that’s all I have planned. So whatever you want after that.” 

Cas wasn’t sure if his discomfort in the following silence was his own poor interpretation of the situation, or if Dean was actually annoyed. “Are you going to the graduation? Are we?” 

“I don’t think so.” Dean said. He kept his voice calm, but his jaw went tight. “Sam is only going to graduate once.” 

“He’s heading to law school. Maybe we’ll hit that one when he finishes there.” 

Cas was ready to say something else, but held back. “Okay,” he said, and left it at that. 

*** 

Cas gasped for air, but Dean’s hands were already there, pushing him to sit up so he could catch his breath. 

“Sorry,” Cas apologized into his hands. 

“‘S okay,” Dean slurred in his half-awake state. He crept his hand under the edge of Cas’s t-shirt and rubbed his back lightly. “You up now or you think you can try to sleep some more?” 

“I don’t know.” Cas didn’t want Dean to stop touching him like that, but he did want Dean to get back to his own sleep if he could. He lay down, tucked in against Dean’s body, one leg crossing to tangle in. “I might get up in a little bit, but I’ll try to sleep first.” 

“‘kay.” Dean said, and from the way his chest moved Cas could tell he was already mostly asleep again. 

Dean had gotten pretty good at helping Cas through when he was dreaming like that but still getting back to sleep himself. Cas was dreaming less often in general though. He could sometimes feel himself drifting into a dream but he would reach out for Dean to ward it off, but sometimes nothing helped. Cas tried to quiet his body, but he knew almost immediately after he settled in that he wouldn’t be back to sleep any time soon. There was no point in feigning sleep when he knew it would never come. 

Cas extricated himself from Dean and eased out of the bed. He grabbed a hoodie on his way out to the living room to mitigate the cold and carefully closed the door behind him. His laptop was on the desk Dean had parked in the corner five months earlier. 

“If you’re going to write you need a place to do it,” he said. 

Cas didn’t tell him that he mostly used to write on the couch before. Dean meant to make sure that Cas moved toward another goal, so Cas kissed him and made a space for himself. He did write there, especially in the afternoons if Dean was gone for work. He made a point of it after one day when Dean came home to find him working at the desk. The brilliant smile Dean flashed would have been enough incentive, but then he’d followed up with praise and kissing and an amazing blowjob. Cas sat his ass in front of the desk daily after that. 

Tonight it was the couch. He curled in on his side and pulled a throw blanket over him as he waited for the document to open. There was nothing to say yet, but sometimes in the dark he wrote more than he could in the light if he just waited. Cas knew there was real work to be done in another folder, but the book would have to wait. He lay there in silence, staring at the blank document and the blinking cursor. He had already written the dream down in excruciating detail over and over again, compared it to the witness accounts of what happened to him, tried to find the same peace everyone else spoke--that Cas had not caused the accident. All of the evidence pointed to that truth, but it wasn’t enough to override the guilt that burrowed deep in his heart. He wrote it out again. 

*** 

Cas heard the Impala and glanced up at the clock. It was far too early for Dean to be home from work, but he popped the apartment door open a couple minutes after the engine ticked off, holding a heavy cardboard box. 

“Your brother shipped you some really heavy shit.” Dean set the box on the coffee table with a groan. 

Cas grabbed a knife from the kitchen. “I didn’t know he was sending anything. What are you doing home?” 

“Not enough work today.” Dean kissed him before he sat on the couch and watched Cas go to work slitting the tape on the box. 

“What’s in this thing?” Dean asked. “It just about killed my back.” 

Cas spread the cardboard flaps and frowned. “Author copies. I don’t know why he sent these.” 

Dean pulled one out and stared. “Author copies for what?” 

The cover was different than Cas remembered- darker, more heroic. 

“My books.” Cas handed the book to Dean and watched his face rotate through several expressions as he took in the cover for Angels Below by Castiel Novak. He settled on a frown. 

“Cas, you have never once mentioned to me that you’re a published author.” 

“You made me a place to write.” 

“Because it’s on your list! The novel- the write a book? Finish a book thing? Like--I thought it was an “everyone has one good story in them” kind of a goal on your list.” 

“I have a half-written third novel for the series on my laptop. Everyone has been very understanding.” 

Dean’s face went flat and he looked back down at the book. Cas started to sweat. 

“I’m sorry. I assumed you googled me when we started dating, because that’s what you’re supposed to do now. And I thought you’d bring it up if you wanted to talk about it and I didn’t want to talk about it so I didn’t bring it up and…” Cas let his ramble trail off and waited for Dean to say something instead of just sitting there running his fingers over Cas’s name on the cover. 

“Are you famous? Like should I have heard your name and just known?” 

“No one would really recognize me walking down the street if that’s what you mean.” 

“Cas…” 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I mean, it wasn’t a secret, but I haven’t worked in such a long time and I don’t know if I’ll be able to again, so-” 

“Stop panicking. I’m not mad. Just... nine fucking months, Cas, and you didn’t say anything.” Dean flipped to the inside cover in the back where Cas’s bio was. His eyes drew quick lines back and forth as he read and then settled on Cas’s author photo. 

Cas itched to rip the book out of Dean’s hands. “That’s not who I am any more.” 

“I know,” Dean said. He flipped back to the front and in a few pages to chapter one. “Are they all author copies?” he asked. 

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Cas pulled out a few books at a time, stacking them on the coffee table as he went. “Looks like it. I didn’t think I had that many.” He pulled out what he thought was the last of them and fell dead quiet when he saw the box at the bottom. 

Dean looked up at the pause in Cas’s work, and peeked over the top of the box. “Who’s Balthazar?” he asked, realizing too late that it was the wrong question to ask. 

Cas grabbed the cardboard sides and pressed them closed. “ Do we have tape? And a marker?” 

“Cas, what’s going-” 

“Get me the goddamn tape!” Cas’s face flushed as he squeezed the box shut, crushing the sides. 

Dean straightened up, chest puffed and eyes serious. “Tell me what’s going on.” 

Cas dropped the books in his hand onto the table and went to their bedroom, slamming the door behind him. It took only a second to dial Gabriel and the phone rang before he lay down. “Hey, little brother.” Cas could picture Gabe’s smug little smirk. 

“Why the fuck did you send that box to me?” 

“Those are your books. You should get back online and pass some out to fans before your next book comes out. How’s it coming by the way?” 

“Gabriel, goddamn it- you sent me Balthazar’s box.” The silence on the other end sent Cas’s rage through the roof. Every emotion at once tried to come out, leaving Cas tripping and sputtering through a litany of curse words. 

“So surprising you wasn’t a good idea,” Gabe said. “I get that now. But you need to either send it on to his family or deal with it like he asked you to.” 

“I can’t… I can’t do it.” Cas breathed in, loud and ragged. Let Gabe hear what he’d caused. Maybe for once in his life he’d feel guilt. 

“Look through his things, get rid of what he wouldn’t want his parents to have and then ship the box, Cas. It’s not hard. Ask Dean to help you.” 

“I’m not going to ask-” Cas froze when the door opened and Dean came in. Dean closed the door and leaned against it, waiting. “You’re an asshole,” Cas said into the phone. “I’m sending it back.” He hung up and let his arm fall to the bed, phone in hand. He looked over at Dean and met his eyes, even though he knew all he’d find was disappointment. 

“Don’t do that to me,” Dean finally said. All the calm in his voice was shadowed by whatever it was driving Dean in that moment- anger? Fear? Cas wasn’t sure. “You screamed at me and took off. Don’t do that. Talk to me or--goddamn it, Cas, just say you don’t want to talk.” 

Cas breathed like he was supposed to, but his heart raced on anyway. “I wasn’t prepared.” 

“No shit,” Dean said. He ventured to sit on his side of the bed, near Cas but not touching him. Cas watched him, nodding approval for the question in Dean’s eyes. 

“I’m on your side, Cas. I’m always on your side. Don’t push me out like that.” 

“I didn’t mean to.” 

“You never mean to.” 

He never did. He hurt Dean unintentionally all the time, and scrambled to make up for it like he was learning for the first time how to be a decent human being. 

“Is it something we can talk about or do you need me to leave it alone?” Dean’s eyes were honest now, and Cas could see he meant the question just as he’d said it. He’d leave it alone if Cas asked. Sometimes Dean covered what he meant with eyes gone flat, but not this time. 

“I don’t know yet. Can we just- can we close it?” 

“Yeah. I’ll close it up.” Dean lay down next to him and reached for his hand. Cas tried to do his part in reconnecting them, opening his fingers and curling into Dean, and the warmth returned through his body. Together, Dean always said. Sometimes Cas could do it, and sometimes he couldn’t. Dean was good at reading when to keep things calm and when to push back, and he claimed the skill as the only good thing he learned from living with an alcoholic. Cas didn’t like the comparison, and he didn’t like the fact that he still needed that kind of attention. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said.

“Cas.” Dean didn’t continue until Cas met his eyes. “You gotta talk to me. I want--I want to be right for you, but I can’t read your mind.” 

“You’re always right for me,” Cas said. 

Dean grinned. “Don’t get sappy. I’m being serious.” 

Cas looked back at the ceiling. “Gabriel shouldn’t have sent it to me. If he hadn’t sent it, you and I wouldn’t be having this conversation at all.” 

“I’m not going to force you to tell me about whatever the hell is in that box. But, Cas, it feels like you don’t trust me when you leave me out of important parts of your life.” 

Cas released Dean’s hand and retreated to his own side. Here it was, the talk that was destined to happen so long as he couldn’t get his brain aligned with his heart. 

“Come on, Cas. You didn’t tell me about your books. And there’s a box with a guy’s name on it that you just flipped your shit over. Why don’t you want me to know about this stuff?” 

“Why don’t you want to take me with you for Sam’s graduation?” 

Dean swallowed. “That’s--that’s different.” He sat up on the side of the bed again and the scant addition of that space between them felt like a canyon Cas couldn’t cross. 

“Why?” he asked. He watched the expanse of Dean’s back for movement, recalled the lines he knew were there under the tee shirt. 

Dean’s shoulders fell forward with his head down and after a moment he shook his head. “I’ll take care of your box,” Dean said, voice husky. He left before Cas got another word out, closing the door behind him. 

*** 

No one spoke as they drove to Jimmy and Amelia’s. Cas had tried to cancel after his argument with Dean, but Jimmy wouldn’t let him out. It was important, he said, and he expected them to be there on time. 

Dean kept his eyes up and out on the road and Cas kept his hand to himself. He hadn’t realized how frequently they held hands as they drove until this moment when it felt wrong not to touch him. 

“Dean, I…” Cas trailed as he tried to find more words. 

“It’s okay, Cas. We’re okay.” Dean turned into Jimmy’s neighborhood. “I’m not trying to keep you from meeting Sam. I--I…” He paused as he turned into the driveway and turned off the ignition. The car ticked down as Dean spoke. “Sam didn’t invite dad, but I think he might show up anyway. And I don’t want you to be there if he does.” 

Of course he didn’t. Cas understood, but it didn’t mean he didn’t want to go anyway. 

“We would be okay if he did,” Cas said. “You told me what he’s like so I know what to expect.” 

Dean pressed his lips together, his tongue escaping to swipe over his lower lip like he did when he was nervous. “I’ll think about it.” 

He pushed the door open and got out before Cas could say anything else. Amelia met them at the door with a seemingly genuine smile. Her entire attitude had changed practically the second Cas moved out and now she played the ecstatic hostess perfectly. She put a beer in Dean’s hand and offered a soda to Cas before they even had a chance to sit, and Jimmy greeted them from the kitchen. 

Dean nudged Cas in the side after they settled on the couch. “What’s going on?” he whispered. 

“No idea.” 

When Jimmy and Amelia joined them in the living room with their own beverages Jimmy kept looking down like no one would notice his boyish grin if he didn’t look directly at them. 

“Okay. What’s going on?” Cas asked after watching the two of them exchange looks. The hair on the back of his neck stood up and he leaned into Dean. 

“Oh, uh,” Jimmy’s eyes swung to his wife where she stood behind him and his smile widened. “We weren’t going to say until after dinner, but we’re uh, um-” 

“I’m pregnant.” Amelia burst out. 

Dean stood up first and hugged her and shook Jimmy’s hand. Cas followed by rote while Dean asked the questions you’re supposed to ask after such an announcement. Cas smiled and nodded and slumped in relief when Amelia went to the kitchen to finish up her dinner prep. 

Jimmy slapped his hand down on Cas’s shoulder. “Look, Cas. It doesn’t change anything for you and me,” he said, blue eyes earnest. 

Cas blinked. “I know.” 

“Okay, okay.” Jimmy’s frowned. “Then why… I’m sorry. I thought you might be a little happier than this.” 

“I’m not unhappy, just--” Cas looked to Dean. He was still kind of flustered from finding Balthazar’s box earlier and it made this situation more difficult to navigate. Dean smiled at him, trying to put him at ease. 

“Uh, I think Cas just needs a minute,” Dean said. 

Amelia poked her head into the room. “Jimmy, help me get the food on the table.” 

The second Jimmy left Dean was behind Cas, voice low in his ear. “Relax. Everything’s fine.” 

Cas nodded. He felt like he was wading through mud, every action delayed while his brain processed at half speed. Dean put an arm around his waist and kissed him on the temple. 

“You’ll be a good uncle,” he said. 

“You too,” Cas replied. 

*** 

After a mildly awkward meal carried conversationally by Jimmy and Dean, they moved back into the living room. Jimmy had been going on about his new boss for a while when Amelia felt the need to change the subject. 

“How is your brother, Dean?” 

“Good. Graduating soon and then starting law school in the fall.” 

“Still at Stanford?” Dean nodded as he took a drink. “Yeah. His girlfriend is still an undergrad there too, so he had an extra reason to stay.” 

“Are you going out for the graduation?” Amelia asked. 

Dean landed a hand on Cas’s knee and squeezed. “Uh, yeah. I think we are.” 

Cas smiled and stole a glance at Dean. Dean acknowledged him with a quick grin and a nod, but turned his attention fully on Jimmy when he spoke. 

“You flying?” 

“Dean doesn’t fly,” Cas said, and he knew from the look on Jimmy’s face that was the wrong answer. He slid his hand into Dean’s. 

“That’s a really long drive,” Jimmy said. “You can’t be in a car that long.” 

“We’ll drive it over a few days,” Dean said. “I’ll make sure we take breaks.” 

Jimmy exchanged worried looks with his wife and anger bubbled up in Cas. “I can make this decision for myself, Jimmy.” 

“Really? Because right now you’re planning on sitting still for that long in a car even though it’s going to put you into a pain cycle that will take god knows how long to break,” Jimmy said “You’ll be useless the whole time you’re there and you’ll still have to drive back.” 

Cas slumped back at the same time Dean sat up firm and angry. 

“Hey.” Dean cut in. “This isn’t a debate. First of all- Cas and I are going and we’re the ones that get to decide how we’re getting there. And number two, I don’t want you to ever call Cas useless again.” 

“He knows what I mean,” Jimmy said. 

“And how about you talk about him like he’s in the goddamn room.” Dean barked. Cas squeezed his hand tight and Dean’s eyes reflected his worry and anger as he searched over Cas’s face. 

“It’s not your concern, Jimmy.” Cas said. “We’ll plan stops and meds and I’ll talk with neuro before I go if that makes you feel better.” 

“That’s a good idea,” Amelia said, like she was the peacemaker in the group. “Let’s talk about something else. How’s work, Dean?” 

Dean took a deep breath before he answered, but the tension in his arm didn’t leave. ”Good. We were really busy with spring break students.” The conversation regulated, but Dean didn’t, and they had barely pulled out of the driveway before Dean let go of all the things he’d been thinking but didn’t say. 

“I get that Jimmy has always looked out for you but when he talks to you like that I want to punch him in the face.” 

“I’m his little brother.” 

“I have a little brother too and I don’t call him useless.” 

“Dean-“ 

“No, Cas! It’s not okay.” 

Cas smiled to himself and shook his head. He reached for Dean across the seat and their hands slid together just the right way. 

“What?” Dean finally asked when they were almost home. 

“Thank you for saying we should go and thinking I could do it,” Cas said. “He’s right though. It’s probably not a good idea for me to do it. You should go though. Sam needs you there.” 

Dean squinted against the light from an oncoming car. “Then let’s fly.” 

“Dean-“ 

“I think I can do it.” He glanced at Cas and added, “For you.” 

“Why, Dean Winchester,” Cas teased and Dean laughed at him. 

“Don’t give me that. You do a lot of hard things for me, so it’s about time I do the same.” 

“The exact opposite of that is the actual truth,” Cas said. It was ridiculous that they were even having this conversation, and when Dean pulled into their spot at the apartment complex Cas unbuckled and scooted close before Dean could open his door. He kissed him with soft lips and Dean broke it before it could get serious. 

“Cas, I...” he dropped his eyes to where his hands worried over each other and Cas’s stomach lurched. Dean didn’t fidget, so whatever he had to say- “I need you to come with me if I’m going to go.” Dean’s tongue darted out to wet his lower lip. “If my dad shows up, I mean. I don’t… I don’t want to be alone.” 

“Sam would be with you,” Cas said, and Dean’s head popped up suddenly, his green eyes bright in spite of the dim light provided by the street lamps over the parking lot. “I need you, Cas. Not Sam, not--not anyone else. You.” 

Sarcasm closely followed by panic crowded Cas’s brain. No one needed him. Dean certainly didn’t. But if he did, what did that mean? Cas had nothing to give. He was useless, broken, nothing--“Why?” he asked. 

Dean cupped Cas’s face in his hands and ran a thumb across his cheekbone, dropping down to trace his lips before he kissed them. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re amazing.” 

“Dean-” 

“You can say otherwise,” Dean brushed his lips lightly against Cas’s before continuing. “but I won’t believe you. I know what I see.” He kissed Cas before he could protest and Cas held himself tense as his mind argued against it all. Dean loved him, sure--but not because Cas had anything to offer. Not because he was a true and equal partner. Dean urged their kiss deeper, flicking his tongue against Cas’s and inspiring Cas to relax into him. Dean was the best thing to happen to him, and Cas knew it. That he wanted Cas at all was unbelieveable. Cas moved with Dean, responding to the way Dean pulled their bodies together, the way his fingers traced down and clasped the back of his neck. Cas worked at Dean’s belt and Dean grabbed his wrist. 

“Upstairs?” he whispered against his mouth. Cas nodded and followed Dean out on his side of the car, looping an arm around Dean’s waist as they went up the stairs. Dean kissed him again before they even had the door closed, deep and unhurried. He held Cas’s face in his hands as he explored his mouth, and all Cas could concentrate on was the gentle way Dean held him, the way Dean’s eyes seemed to flare when he looked at him with desire written plain across his face. 

Dean took his time with him, drawing out every touch as he undressed him in the bedroom. He kissed across Cas’s shoulders after he pulled his shirt over his head, each one leaving a faint tingling sensation that only happened because Cas was Cas and Dean had learned in their months together how to take advantage in the best ways. Once he got all their clothes off Dean traced a line down Cas’s side and across the crest of his hipbone as he kissed Cas’s neck. 

“What do you want?” he whispered before he palmed Cas’s dick, stroking him slowly. Cas moaned as he leaned his head back. 

“Can I fuck you? Do you want that?” 

Dean huffed a laugh against his skin. “Always, Cas. Anytime.” He released Cas and turned him in his arms, kissing him deep again before pulling him to the bed. Dean laid back while Cas retrieved the lube. He paused at the sight of Dean’s lazy smile. God, he loved him. Cas settled between Dean’s legs and licked a long stripe up him before he swirled his tongue over the head and took him in his mouth. Dean groaned and Cas pressed a lubed finger to his hole. Dean grasped at his hair, never pulling hard, but just enough to make Cas hum against him. Cas pressed in two fingers quickly enough and Dean was already asking for more. Cas made him wait for it while he sucked and licked at him, taking his time, making his skin buzz. 

“Fuck, Cas, just…. please…” More lube, another finger and a satisfying sound from Dean made Cas look up and smile. 

“That’s what you want,” Cas said. Dean’s fingers gripped strong at the back of his head and Cas followed along as Dean pulled him up for a kiss. 

He groaned long against Cas’s lips. “Fuck me, Cas. Come on. I need you.” His words paused Cas for a moment before he moved back down Dean’s body.  _ I need you _ meant more than  _ I love you _ for Dean and the way he announced his need in the car on the way back, the way he announced his need now… emotion surged through Cas as he lubed himself and pressed into Dean. The sound of him, the feel of Dean around him--it was too much and not enough. Cas moved as Dean requested and soon they had a rhythm going, the two of them working together. Cas met his eyes as they moved and a sense of belonging bloomed between them. Cas wanted to grab onto the feeling and shake it off at the same time. He need it,  _ needed _ Dean, but that level of commitment was frightening. He couldn’t do it. It wasn’t fair to Dean. 

Dean’s head tipped back and his mouth fell open, breathy low sounds erupting louder and faster as he got closer and Cas pushed all the words out of his head in favor of those sounds. Dean came between them and held Cas down against him, chests sticky as Cas fucked him faster. He collapsed against Dean when he came and they breathed together as their bodies calmed. 

“Cas, you are…. god, I fucking love you.” 

Cas kissed him. The steady stream of words that threatened their relationship kept pouring through his head, but he turned his back on it all so he could replace it with Dean’s words. Pamela said to choose to believe in Dean, and that was something he could do. 

*** 

Cas woke up on fire. The usual prickles and shocks he tolerated daily flared into straight pain sometimes, but this was something else. He writhed onto his stomach to take away the pressure from the mattress, and did everything he could to breathe while tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. 

“What can I do?” Dean hovered close but not touching. Cas tugged at his shirt and Dean eased it over his head and off his limbs. Even that little bit of friction from the soft fabric intensified the feeling of fire and spark. Cas tried to lay flat, willing muscles loose in spite of the pain, but quickly realized it was a lost situation. Dean paced next to the bed until Cas snapped at him to go back to sleep. 

“I’m not going to sleep while you’re getting torn apart.” Dean clasped his fingers together on top of his head. “Do we need to go to the ER?” 

“They can’t do anything,” Cas gritted out. He reached for his medicine on the nightstand, but that simple extension sent another shock through his arm and fire down his spine. 

Dean raced around the bed when Cas gasped at the pain. “What do you need? Let me get it.” 

“The tall one. Two of those.” Dean unscrewed the cap easily and offered the two capsules to Cas. Cas held out a shaky hand to accept and brought them to his mouth. Dean held out a cup with a straw so he could swallow them down. 

Cas curled back against the pillow, waiting for something to kick in. It would take a while and he’d have to tolerate the pain until relief came. The medication never took the pain away completely. Some level of it hummed through him all the time, fingertip to fingertip along the ridge of his shoulders and up into his neck. Numbness and tingling played the role of intermittent companions, coming and going with no obvious reason. This felt different than any other time it had flared like this, but Cas tried to keep his growing concern off his face for Dean’s sake. 

“What can I do?” Dean asked again. Dean needed work to do, some obvious way to be helpful. There was no way to help with this. 

“Sit with me,” Cas said. 

“Yeah. of course.” Dean lay next to him, trying not to move the bed too much and apologizing at Cas’s involuntary wince when it did. Dean’s eyes darted back and forth over Cas’s face. 

“It’s okay,” Cas said. “It does this sometimes. I’ll be fine.” Dean nodded, but Cas knew he didn’t believe him. Another flare flashed through him and Cas whimpered. Dean reached for him, but his hand hovered for a minute as he thought better of it. Cas raised his hand enough to touch Dean’s and slide their fingers together. He settled their joined hands on the pillow in front of his face. The contact prickled, but it was worth it for the comfort it brought Dean. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said. “If we did anything that messed you up or--” 

“It’s not you.” Cas closed his eyes against the next wave. “How many times have we had sex and this hasn’t happened? It’s not a consequence.” His lips were tingling by the time he got to the last word. His neck, his face, his scalp… it was the oddest sensation and then numbness settled in across his face and he knew. 

“My face is going numb,“ he said. 

“Okay, that’s it. I’m taking you in.” Dean started throwing things in a bag. Cas didn’t try to stop him. He felt strange and tired. They wouldn’t be able to actually resolve the pain in the ER, but at least they’d give him something to knock him out enough so he didn’t care anymore. He protested when Dean slid pants up his legs and socks on his feet, but Dean ignored him as he added shoes and tied the laces tight. He helped Cas sit up so he could get his tee shirt back on and slung Cas’s backpack onto his own back before helping Cas stand with a pained cry. 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said. 

“Stop apologizing,” Cas said softly. “It’s not you.” It took every ounce of energy and focus he had to keep himself upright, but he wasn’t going to let Dean keep blaming himself. By the time they made it to the car Cas was a hazy mess. He didn’t remember the ride or really even going into the ER except that they put him in a wheelchair and took him right back. EKG leads, the clip on his finger, starting an IV… it all blurred with previous hospital visits, except that Dean was there. They talked around him, and Cas didn’t care once they gave him whatever it was that made the room swim and his body feel cold. 

“Cas.” Dean leaned in close and Cas opened his eyes for him. “I have to finish your forms. You don’t have any allergies I don’t know about, do you?” 

“No.” Cas closed his eyes again. Dean asked a few more easy yes and no questions and Cas decided right there that he had to stop keeping stuff from him. If they were going to really do this together Dean should know all the stupid little details about him. 

“Emergency contact. I’ll put Jimmy.” 

Cas’s eyes flew up. “No. I put you down last time. It should be in the system already.” 

“But Jimmy knows more-” 

“Dean, just write your fucking name.” He closed his eyes again as Dean laughed and all the tension fled the room. He felt a kiss on his forehead. 

“Thank you,” Dean whispered. “Sleep if you can, okay?” 

*** 

Cas woke up warm and confused. It took a minute to run down the mental checklist of what had happened, where he was and how he felt, but everything was okay and he was home now. How Dean had gotten him home and in bed while incoherent he had no idea, but there he was. His body hummed with a more normal level of nerve pain running through his shoulders, but it was still higher than usual. 

He sat up slowly, checking off every muscle and joint that moved like it was meant to as well as those that didn’t. Getting out of bed was a little harder, but he had to pee and he could deal long enough to get to the bathroom. He heard the arguing as he shuffled to the door, and when he opened it Dean and Jimmy stood in the living room nearly toe to toe. 

“Don’t let me interrupt,” Cas grumbled as he went into the bathroom. After he finished he picked off the bandage on his wrist where the IV had gone in. The skin was already bruised and the little dot of dried blood from the needle prick wiped off easily. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days even though he felt okay for the circumstances. 

He shuffled back out where his brother and his boyfriend had resumed arguing. Dean cut off as soon as he saw Cas. “How you feeling?” 

Cas waved him off as he made a place on the couch. “Fine. What’s going on out here?” 

“Your boyfriend over here decided I didn’t need to know about your little hospital visit until today,” Jimmy glared at Dean instead of looking Cas in the eye. 

“So?” Cas croaked. He didn’t have the energy for this, but Jimmy wouldn’t leave until he was satisfied and Cas knew it. 

“So?” Jimmy snorted. “So? I’m the last one to know my twin brother’s in the emergency room?” 

“Did you call Gabe?” Cas asked Dean. Dean looked from Cas to Jimmy and back, uncertainty in his eyes. 

“N-no. Should I?” 

“See?” Cas swung his eyes to Jimmy. “You’re not the last to know.” 

“Cas, I need to know when this stuff happens and Dean is not--” 

“Dean did everything right. Leave it alone or go home, Jimmy.” 

Jimmy gritted his teeth and looked at Dean. “I stand by what I said. If you take him with you you’re going to hurt him.” 

“Go home, Jimmy.” Cas said more firmly. 

“Cas, you are in no shape to make these kinds of decisions--” 

“I’m not a kid.” Cas shot back. “So go home and don’t come back until you treat me like a fucking adult.” 

Jimmy straightened up, lips pursed. He shook his head. “I just want to help.” “

Then let me get better. I’m in therapy, I’m writing again, just… just go home, okay? I’m fine.” Cas laid his head on the arm of the couch, tired already. 

Worry replaced anger on Jimmy’s face. “Will you at least call me tomorrow?” 

“I will,” Cas said. 

Jimmy stood still long enough that Cas wasn’t sure he’d actually leave, but he did, nodding stiffly at Dean before he turned and walked out. 

Dean collapsed on the couch next to Cas. “I thought I was doing the right thing when I called to let him know.” 

“You did. He just scared.” 

“I know, but the way he talks to you...” Dean paused. “I’m proud of you, though. You told him what you think and he listened.” 

Cas laughed. “Thanks. That’s something at least.” 

Dean reached for his hand. “Can I?” 

“Yeah. it’s mostly okay now.” With Dean close and Jimmy gone Cas was able to actually focus. Dean looked exhausted. “Have you slept since we got home?” 

“No. I got you in here and waited til a decent hour and then called Jimmy just to let him know. But then he came over here, and--” 

“Okay. Back to bed.” Cas pushed himself upright and stood with a little help from Dean. The walk back to the bedroom was slow, but Dean kept a hand on him until he was settled in bed. He curled around Cas, asking if every little bit of their position worked for him. Cas relaxed into him. When they slept together like this it was usually the other way around so Cas could move away if he started to hurt. But Dean needed to hold him after being able to do so little before. 

“Cas,” Dean’s breath hit the back of his neck in a humid puff. Their hands were already interlocked. 

“Yeah.” 

“I thought you were gonna… I mean…” 

Cas squeezed Dean’s arm. “I’m okay.” 

“They were talking about stroke symptoms and... I don’t know.” 

Cas gripped Dean’s hand even tighter. “I’m really sorry. I’ve never had my face go numb like that and I don’t know if it will happen again.” 

“I’m not worried about that. I--Cas, Can we--I mean...” 

Cas closed his eyes. He wanted to be ready for whatever it was Dean was trying to spit out. The narrative in his head said it was a break up, but the way Dean held him so carefully said otherwise and Cas chose to listen to that. 

“What do you think about getting married?” 

Cas’s heart thudded to a halt. “Why?” 

“I’m not asking… yet… but do you--would you ever want to?” 

It was a possibility Cas had considered for his life before the accident, but never since. Now that it was right in front of him he didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know. I haven’t considered it.” 

“In all this time together you never thought about it?” 

What Cas wanted was time with Dean, and that level of commitment wasn’t the issue on his side. But asking Dean to commit to him when he was like this would be wrong. “I’m happy with whatever time you want to give me.” 

“What if I want to give you all of it?” Dean said. 

Cas pushed Dean’s arm off of him and maneuvered to sit up, pulling his knees up so that he didn’t touch Dean at all any more. 

Dean scrambled to sit up as well. “Cas, please don’t shut me out-” 

“No, just…” Cas closed his eyes and buried his head in his hands. “Life with me is doctor appointments and depression and hospital visits.” 

“And watching you work and sleeping with you and talking with you. I know myself pretty well and you can’t tell me I don’t want you.” Tears gathered in the corner of Cas’s eyes and he tried to blink them away. Between drugs and stress and exhaustion every emotion seemed to edge at the surface. 

“You can’t spend your life on me, Dean.” 

The bed moved and Dean was closer. 

“Look at me,” came his gentle instruction. Cas lifted his head and Dean smiled at him. “I’m not asking unless you want me to. But I’m yours forever whether we make it official or not.” 

“Dean--” Cas choked out. 

“It’s not going to change no matter what you say, so just… I don’t know. Let me in? We’ve been doing so good with that.” He was right. For months now he’d been choosing Dean over the part of his head that repeated all his faults on a never-ending loop. He listened to Pamela, he listened to Dean, he did better, thought better… 

Cas unwound his body and met Dean’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.” 

“I know,” Dean said, and put an arm around Cas’s shoulders. Cas shifted with him until Dean was holding him tight in both arms. 

“Let me think about it,” Cas finally said when he was almost asleep. “You’re already mine. I just thought you might like a ring to show it.” Cas smiled at Dean’s light tone. Maybe he could convince himself one day, but for now he was happy with Dean just as they were. 


	6. 11 months

“Holy shit,” Dean said when he emerged from the airplane tunnel. 

Cas laughed. “One more leg and we’ll be in California.” 

Dean held up a hand and closed his eyes with a pained expression. “Don’t talk about it. I can’t do it if I think too much.” 

They found a screen showing their next gate, but it was a short walk to the next location. Dean left his backpack with Cas to use the bathroom and when he came back he couldn’t seem to settle in. He leaned back and sighed while he looked around, leaned forward to adjust his bag, then when he sat back again his knee popped up and down in an unsteady rhythm. 

“We have an hour until we board if you want to walk or something.” Cas suggested. “Get some energy out?” 

Dean was out of his seat before Cas finished his sentence, backpack swinging up onto his back. Cas hurried to catch up to Dean’s long-legged stride. They were already close to the end of that arm of the terminal and went as far they could walk before turning around and heading back the way they’d come, passing their gate in no time. “It’s really here, you know? Sam is four hours away once we get on the plane.” 

Cas shrugged. “That gives you plenty of time.” 

“What am I supposed to say?” Cas smiled. “‘Hi’ would be a good place to start.” 

Dean shook his head and focused ahead, quickening his pace. Cas kept up- taking up running again was working to his advantage, though he hadn’t anticipated this particular situation. 

“What’s wrong?” Cas asked. Dean clamped his mouth shut, muscles in his jaw clenching and releasing as he walked. The determination on Dean’s face sent Cas quiet too. He matched Dean step for step as they walked the terminal and only spoke again when it was getting close to time to board. Dean’s anxiety grew visibly as they walked back to their gate and by the time they were waiting in line he was shaking. 

“I’m giving you a xanax when we get on the plane,” Cas whispered in his ear. 

“Hey- no. I’m fine. Those are yours.” 

“I brought extra.” Dean met his eyes and Cas caught the precise moment he agreed in his head before he said a word. Dean eased some as they waited, but by the time they were seated on the plane he was back to bouncing and tapping. 

“Take it now,” Cas unzipped the section of his backpack that held his medications and found the right bottle. He handed Dean a pill and his water bottle, and Dean downed them quick, like the pill might vanish before he had a chance to take it. 

Cas put his water bottle away and pulled his book out, resting it on his knee while he watched Dean trying to deal with his stress as best he could. Cas took Dean’s hand, fitting their fingers together. As much as he didn’t like seeing Dean like this it was kind of nice to be on the other side of things--comforting Dean instead of being comforted. He planned to read on the flight out and if Dean could sleep through most of it it would be best for everyone. He’d been brave and whiteknuckled the first flight in spite of Cas’s offer of medication, but Cas didn’t want him to have to go through that again. Charlie had actually been the one to suggest the xanax, and hey--Cas had a steady supply of that. 

“What were you saying about Sam in the terminal?” he asked. Dean glanced at him, but then fixed his eyes straight ahead on the seat in front of him. 

“Nothing.” 

“Something,” Cas muttered, and Dean turned his eyes on him in an unmistakable glare. 

“I can think of some things you don’t talk to me about, if you’d like to go first.” 

Cas sat back and shifted in his seat. He nodded politely at the flight attendant as she passed by then hissed, “This is not the time or place to-” 

“But it’s exactly perfect for me to tell you all about how I haven’t seen my brother since I abandoned his ass and didn’t call him for months.” 

Cas squeezed Dean’s hand hard, partly in reaction to how loud Dean had been by the end and partly because he had absolutely no idea. Sam and Dean talked all the time without a hint of awkwardness between them. Dean let his head thunk against the wall of the plane and closed his eyes. 

“How long ago?” Cas asked softly. Dean didn’t move--not even a twitch. He held himself perfectly still like Cas would move on if he just ignored him long enough. Cas touched his knee and Dean let one eyelid slide up. He looked Cas up and down before focusing in on Cas’s face. 

“Just before he graduated I dropped him off at school and told him I’d see him for dinner. I drove a thousand miles away instead.” 

“So you didn’t go to that graduation.” Dean shrugged, but didn’t open his eyes. “I was a selfish bastard so I bailed. I could have made it another couple months until he left for school at least.” 

“I’m sorry, Dean.” 

Dean laughed, wry and low. “For what? You didn’t do anything.” 

“I shouldn’t have brought it up.” 

“Yeah, well, now you know what kind of guy you’re with. Judge accordingly.” 

“Dean,” Cas warned. 

“I wasn’t a good guy before you, Cas. I told you that a long time ago.” 

“And I told you that I’ve only known you like this and you are a good man.” 

Dean cracked an eye before he shook his head and closed it again. 

How they managed to argue before the flight attendants had even started their safety spiel he wasn’t sure. But he was grateful that Dean’s hand relaxed in his while they taxied for a seemingly endless amount of time. He snored softly by the time they actually took off. Cas pretended to read once they were in the air and he gave up once he realized he’d “read” the same page six times without any retention. He shuffled through his bag for his notebook instead. If he was going to pretend to do something he could at least have a pen in his hand. 

*** 

Cas woke Dean as soon as the tires hit concrete. Dean sat up and blinked several times, but he couldn’t seem to formulate words. Cas handed him the bottle of water and Dean drank. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Cas asked. “Groggy. We’re really here?” 

“You missed the whole thing.” 

“We’re definitely doing that again on the way back. Best flight I ever had.” 

Cas smiled. At least Dean’s mood seemed to be better than before his little nap. The other passengers herded into the aisle even though there were several rows ahead of them that still had to vacate. Cas shrank back into Dean’s space without realizing it until Dean put a hand on one of his shoulders and hooked his chin over the other one. “We can wait until everyone gets off if that’s easier.” 

“No, it’s okay. I want to see Sam.” 

“Me too,” Dean’s voice dropped lower and he had to clear his throat before he could continue. “You do okay? Nothing hurts?” 

“I got up a couple times. I’m stiff but I’ll be fine.” They were down to a few rows left, so Cas stood up to take his turn. 

It all seemed to hit Dean when they reached the tunnel, because he slowed and grabbed Cas’s hand in his. Sam was waiting for them by baggage claim and that meant they were only minutes away from seeing him. Dean spotted him first, but he hung back when they were actually close enough to greet each other. Cas hugged Sam and then Sarah and tried not to gawk at how tall Sam was in person. 

Sam had to go after Dean for a hug. Dean thumped him on the back like he was supposed to, but gave a faint uncomfortable smile afterwards and hugged Sarah too. Dean stayed uncharacteristically quiet while they collected their suitcases and walked to the car, Sam chattering the whole way. Cas stayed close to Dean, and when they got in the backseat of the car he slid their hands together. Maybe it would be enough to help, maybe not--but at least he was offering help for Dean to take. 

“Hey--put your suitcases in the bedroom. We cleared our stuff out for you.” Sam said. 

“Sam, we’re not taking your bedroom,” Dean said. “The pull-out will be fine.”

“No way. I’m not making Cas sleep on a pull-out. I want him to have a good time here so I figured he needs a decent bed.” 

Cas was ready to protest too until Sam explained. He smiled. “Thanks, Sam. That’s terribly thoughtful of you. I appreciate it.” 

Dean shut his mouth and took their suitcases to the little bedroom. Cas followed with his backpack and left it on the bed next to Dean’s. Dean started back to the living room as soon as he had everything in position but Cas caught his arm on his way out the door. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, just…” Dean’s eyes were still hard and far away. “Nervous, I guess.” 

“You should talk to him. Clear things up so we can relax while we’re here,” Cas said. 

“I guess,” Dean said, but Cas knew that wasn’t a commitment to anything real. He followed Dean back to the living room. 

“So dinner? There’s a bar we go to sometimes that has decent food.” Sam smiled at Cas. “Or we can go somewhere nicer and celebrate the fact that you got my brother on an airplane and he didn’t die.” 

“I did drug him,” Cas said, grinning at Dean. Dean smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. 

They decided on the bar, and after they ate Sam and Sarah went dancing in the middle of the floor while Dean worked away at a few shots. 

“Talk to him,” Cas said. 

“And say what?” 

“Whatever the hell you need to say to stop moping.” 

“I’m not moping, Cas. I’m-” Dean pursed his lips, frustration and annoyance combining in his eyes. “Let me do it my way, okay?” 

Cas nodded. “Okay. It’s just that Sam doesn’t seem upset at all.” 

Dean clunked the shot glass down. “Goddamn it, Cas. Just back off.” He didn’t raise his voice, but he may as well have screamed it. Cas scooted back fully to his side of the booth, busying his hands with his perspiring mug of coke. Sam and Sarah were back soon with an extra beer for Dean. 

“Can I get you something else, Cas?” Sam asked. 

“No. I’m good.” Cas stole a glance at Dean out of the corner of his eye, but Dean was still sulking as he drank and Cas wasn’t going to invite drama. 

“Uh, we can go if you want, or stay longer,” Sam said. “The music is still live for another hour.” 

Dean nodded. “Let’s go back. Cas needs to sleep.” Dean had never used Cas’s condition as an excuse before and it surprised Cas so much that he almost didn’t call him on it. He started to say his name, but Dean drained the rest of the beer they’d brought him and stood up. 

“Come on. Let’s get you back so you can rest,” Dean said and Cas shook his head in a gesture of disbelief that Dean failed to catch. How Dean had let something burrow so deeply in his head he wasn’t sure, but there it was, turning Dean into someone he barely knew. Cas shrugged a sort of apology toward Sam and Sarah, but they all gathered their things and followed Dean out for another quiet ride back to their place. 

Cas shuffled around Sam and Sarah’s loaned bedroom getting his things ready to use the shower after Sarah was finished. Dean unzipped his suitcase on the floor in the corner of the room and muttered to himself as he sifted through his clothes. Cas watched Dean’s uneasiness as he folded his own things into a neat stack on the bed. He wasn’t sure if he should talk first or not. They didn’t fight often and Dean was behaving so differently that he wasn’t sure what exactly was wrong. 

“Do you want to go first?” Cas asked. 

“Sure. Whatever.” Dean said from the floor. Enough. 

Cas gently shut the door and sat on the floor next to him. “We’re supposed to talk.” 

“Nothing to say.” 

“Then stop acting like an asshole.” 

Dean raised his head and the anger Cas expected didn’t show in his eyes. It was all fear and regret and desperation. 

“I- I’m sorry,” Cas stuttered and Dean dropped his head again. “I just--you’re--you’re being--” 

“I know.” Dean breathed in deep and when Cas touched his shoulder his entire body shuddered. 

Cas shifted to put his arms around Dean. Dean let his forehead fall to Cas’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” Cas held him tight, hands splayed over Dean’s back to feel every muscle moving as Dean fought off tears. 

“You go first,” Dean said. “I gotta get this under control.” 

“I’m not going to leave you in here upset, Dean.” 

“I’m really fine. I just have to pull myself together.” 

Cas held onto him until he sat up and offered a wavering smile. “Dean, please.” 

“It’s okay, Cas. Go get your shower and I’ll be ready by the time you’re done. Cas studied his face long enough that Dean looked away, so Cas stood reluctantly. 

“I’ll be quick,” he said. 

*** 

When Cas woke the next morning the sheets next to him were cold. Cas twisted over to find his phone and check the time. It was still early--Cas had slept longer than usual in one stretch, but that was no surprise after how late he’d stayed up talking with Sam, Sarah and Dean. Cas had retreated to bed first. Sleep was important to keep bigger flares from happening so he had to listen when his body complained. But, as usual, it had taken him awhile to fall asleep. He hoped the lack of Dean in his bed meant that he and Sam worked out the issues eating at Dean. 

Cas sat up first, testing everything that usually fought back. His fingers weren’t moving properly yet and his back was stiff, but he hoped that would change as he got moving. His arm housed the slightly buzzing nerves that he had grown accustomed to--which was far better than the painful shocks that happened at times. 

He grabbed a hoodie before he shuffled out to the living room. Sarah was still curled up sleeping on the pull-out, but Sam and Dean were nowhere to be found. Cas pushed down his rising worries. They were probably together. Maybe they went for coffee. Maybe… He used the bathroom and grabbed a glass of water before he went back to the little bedroom and closed the door. 

Cas sat down on the side of the bed and rummaged through his backpack for his medications. It was a little early to take them, but if he was going to try to sleep again it was better to take them a little ahead of schedule and not wake up in pain. He counted out pills- two from two of the bottles, one more from a third. He threw them all in his mouth together and drank as much of the water as he could stand. He lay down again, wondering if he would actually be able to get back to sleep for a few hours, but with all his concern about Dean rattling around his head, there was no way he could relax enough to sleep. He texted Dean instead. 

> **Cas: Are you with Sam**

He prepared himself to wait, but Dean’s reply came quickly. 

> _ Dean: yes _
> 
> _ Dean: be back soon  _

And that was good enough. They were together, so Dean was probably okay. Cas hoped desperately that they’d cleared up the issue between them so they could enjoy their time in California. Cas rolled to face the empty side of the bed. Dean had grown more agitated as the trip got closer, but Cas had assumed it was because of the possibility that John might show. That was the primary concern Dean had expressed, and after they’d talked through what they would do if it happened Dean had loosened up considerably. But then the plane and Sam… Cas wondered what else Dean was hiding in his head. 

He heard the front door open and close, hushed voices accompanying the sound. Cas pushed up out of bed, his body groaning again with the effort. Mornings were always bad. Dean and Sam stood around the little dining table with a box of pastries in the middle. Dean didn’t see him right away, but when he did he smiled broadly. 

“Hey, Cas. We got breakfast.” 

“Did you sleep?” 

“Uh, not yet.” Dean said sheepishly. “I’m gonna nap for a little bit if that’s okay.” 

Cas looked at Sam. “You let him keep you up all night?” 

Sam clapped Dean on the shoulder. “It was important.” 

Dean shook his head and rolled his eyes, and Cas felt certain they must have talked. 

“I’m going to catch some sleep too,” Sam said. “We have graduation practice this afternoon, but we’ll be home around four or so. The apartment is yours or you can head out. I think we have a bus schedule around here somewhere.” 

Dean slung an arm around Cas’s shoulders. “Sleep first for me. Cas?” 

“I could use a few more hours,” Cas admitted. Mostly he just wanted to be in bed with Dean, but he also wanted to know what had happened between the two brothers. With the door to the bedroom closed Dean changed out of the jeans and t-shirt from the day before. He got in bed in his boxers and scooted close to Cas so they were face to face. 

“Did you talk to Sam?” Cas asked. 

“Yeah. I’m an asshole and I’m sorry.” 

“You’re not--Dean, I didn’t mean that’s what you are, just--” 

“It’s okay.” Dean found Cas’s hand and brought it up between them. “It’s hard being with him again. I mean, when I moved to Florida I decided to be different and… I don’t know. Around Sam it feels like I have to be like I was back in Kansas.” 

“Sam knows who you are now. He doesn’t expect you to be like you were four years ago.” 

“I know.” Dean bit his lower lip as he formulated his next thought. “I don’t want to be that angry jerk again.” 

Cas kissed him, a gentle press of his lips to Dean’s that wasn’t meant for anything more. 

“Are you okay, Cas? I didn’t even ask.” 

“A little buzzy.” 

Dean laughed. “Sounds like you were drinking in my absence.” 

Cas brought their joined hands up and kissed Dean’s knuckles as he chuckled. 

Dean bumped their foreheads together. “I really am sorry,” he said. 

“I know. Stop apologizing and go to sleep.” 

“Can I hold you or you’re too buzzy?” Cas rolled with a smile and when he settled Dean moved in behind him, his nose settled on Cas’s neck and an arm draped over his waist. 

“Love you,” he whispered and Cas hummed at those words before he repeated them back. 

*** 

Cas woke to his phone vibrating as a reminder to take his medication. Dean had rolled back to his side of the bed at some point, so Cas was able to ease his way out of bed and off to the bathroom without waking him. Sam and Sarah had left for their rehearsal according to the note on the counter next to the pastries. Cas went back to the bedroom for his backpack and carefully closed the door before he set up on the couch that had been folded back in for the day. 

He turned on his laptop and then went to the kitchen for food. He found OJ in the fridge and quickly located a plate for the donuts he selected. When he settled on the couch he worked through medicine first, systematically opening each bottle to pull out what he needed. With that finished he opened up the most recent document, had a few bites of donut, then went to work. He had words to add. 

*** 

“Tie this for me?” Cas had to ask. It sent a shock down the pinky side of his arm every time he tried to grip, so tying his tie for the graduation ceremony was impossible. He could be frustrated about it, or he could enjoy the appearance of the tip of Dean’s tongue while he concentrated on forming the perfect knot for Cas. Dean grinned when he finished and Cas kissed him. 

“You look amazing,” Dean said, running a hand from Cas’s waist to his ass. “We probably have a few minutes if--” 

Cas cut him off with a light kiss. “We’re not missing your brother’s graduation because I look good in a suit.” 

“It’s a damn good reason. Sam would understand.” Dean squeezed Cas’s ass while wagging his eyebrows and Cas laughed at the ridiculous sight. 

The ceremony was a serious affair, but the cheers that went up as graduates walked the stage ran the gamut from polite applause to loud whoops. Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak outdid them all when Sam finally walked the stage. 

“Cursed with a W means waiting ‘til last all the time,” Dean said in a low voice. ”Maybe I’ll take Novak.” 

Cas turned his head slowly to see him, but Dean faced straight ahead until Cas’s stare grew too intense. 

“What?” Dean mouthed. 

“You would take Novak?” Cas whispered. 

“Yes.” 

“Dean Novak.” 

“Yes.” 

Cas stared and Dean broke into a smile, one corner turning up first and then the rest of his mouth following along. He focused back on the ceremony, but he set his hand on Cas’s knee through the remainder. Once the ceremony was over Cas took Dean’s hand. They were supposed to wait for the new graduates to come out and then they were meeting up with Sarah’s father for a celebratory lunch. 

“Was that you asking?” Cas said, quiet amongst the noise around them. 

“Asking what?” 

“You know--with the last name thing.” 

Dean smiled, but his tongue snuck out to wet his lower lip and reveal his nerves. “I told you I’d only ask if you told me you wanted me to.” 

So Dean was going to leave it up to him, it seemed. It was probably just an errant thought about what he would do if he ever found himself in the position of taking on someone else’s name. Cas nodded so Dean would know he heard and understood, but his focus was somewhere far off. It hadn’t really affected him before when he thought about maybe marrying Dean, but right then it bloomed something in his chest. 

Dean kissed him gently, a quick peck to bring him back and Cas refocused. “Hey. There you are.” 

“Sorry,” Cas’s cheeks heated with what he hoped wasn’t the flaming red his skin could get to once provoked. “I just--you--you said--” 

“I’m not fishing for an answer.” 

Cas nodded again, and was relieved to see Sam and Sarah walking toward them hand in hand, black robes flowing. 

“What’d you do to Cas?” Sam laughed. “He’s red as a tomato.” 

Cas turned away from them and Dean pulled him up against his body in a semblance of a hug so Cas could hide his face in his shoulder. “Awww, he’s just so happy for you guys.” 

“Is he embarrassing you, Cas?” Sarah asked. 

“Probably,” Sam said. “Making stupid jokes or perverted comments or--” 

“Hey now.” Dean patted Cas’s back. “Cas likes my jokes just fine. Don’tcha, Cas?” 

“Whatever you say, Dean.” Cas kissed his cheek and Dean winked at him. 

Sam was saying something about finding Sarah’s dad, but Cas couldn’t pull himself away from Dean’s beautiful eyes. 

“Guys. Stop making googly eyes at each other.” Sam said. “Come on.” 

Sarah’s father Daniel Blake greeted them formally, after he kissed his daughter’s cheek and shook Sam’s hand. 

Mr. Blake extended a hand to Dean after Sam made introductions. “It’s nice to meet you, Dean. I’ve heard a lot about you.” 

“Good things, I hope.” Dean answered as he shook the man’s hand. 

Mr. Blake turned to Cas with an offered hand. “It’s nice to meet you too, Cas.” 

“You as well, sir,” Cas said. 

“Well, we have a reservation to get to,” Sam said. “Sarah and I are planning to ride with her dad if you’ll take my car, Dean. I already put the restaurant in the GPS.” 

“Yeah, sure.” Dean said with an easy smile. Sam led the way out to the parking lot and they divided to find their cars. It took a minute for Dean to get the GPS up and going in Sam’s Nissan and for him to figure out exactly where everything was. 

“Stupid modern cars,” he mumbled at one point after they’d made it out of the parking lot and Cas laughed at him. 

“You sound like you’re ninety.” 

“Can you honestly say you like this car better than the Impala?” 

“I love the Impala,” Cas said and Dean reached for his hand. “Hell yeah you do.” 

It was easy to spot Mr. Blake’s car in the restaurant parking lot with Sam standing right next to it like a towering beacon. They parked close by and Dean grabbed Cas’s hand again on the way into the restaurant. Mr. Blake dominated the conversation once they were seated and wine had been poured. He grilled Sam about law school until Sarah declared enough and started talking about her grad program. She held the conversation long enough to give Sam a break, but when she got up to use the restroom Mr. Blake turned his attention on Dean and Cas. 

“What is it you do, Dean?” 

“Me? I, uh, I teach scuba diving and surfing lessons out in Florida.” 

“You own a place?” 

“No, but I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t be good with all the accounting stuff.” 

Mr. Blake looked at Cas. “You? What do you do?” 

“Um, I’m a writer.” 

“Anything I would have read?” 

“Only if you read fantasy novels.” 

“I see.” Mr. Blake turned back to his daughter when she came back to the table and effectively ignored Cas and Dean again for the rest of the meal even though he kindly paid the entire bill. 

Dean held Cas back as they left the restaurant and let Sam, Sarah and her father go on ahead to the car. 

“Maybe tonight we, uh...” Dean grinned and his tongue popped out between his teeth. 

Cas started walking. “Not in your brother’s bed.” 

“He doesn’t have to know.” 

“You’re not as quiet as you think,” Cas teased. 

Dean laughed. “I’m a master of stealth.” 

“Sex stealth.” 

Dean caught him at the waist and kissed him quick. “Yep. Master.” 

They caught up to Sarah and Sam at the car where Sarah was saying goodbye to her father and he was going on and on about brunch the next morning with friends of the family. Sam waved them on to his car. 

Cas reached for the rear door, but Dean stopped him, pressing in close for a slow kiss. When they separated he ran a hand down Cas’s tie. “I like this suit.” 

“Then you can borrow it,” Cas said with a laugh. 

“I like who’s in the suit,” Dean modified. “Sounds like they’ll be gone tomorrow morning. Maybe then we could-” 

Cas laughed. “I won’t be wearing the suit then.” 

Dean cupped Cas’s face and shrugged, a sly smile spreading his lips. “I like you even better naked.” 

“Hey--don’t be gross up against my car.” Sam said. “Save that for your place.” 

“We won’t be home for three more days. You can’t expect us to--” 

“Not in my bed!” Sam demanded, going so far as to point a finger in Dean’s face even though his eyes were sparkling. 

“Oh, Sam--we do change the sheets you know,” Sarah laughed. 

“I like her, Sammy.” Dean beamed over the top of the car to Sarah as she opened the passenger door. 

“Hello, Sam. Dean.” The brothers turned in a perfect unison that sucked the breath out of Cas. A dark-haired man with heavy gray in places stood at the end of the parking space, just a few feet from Dean. He was a very similar height to Dean but thinner, hands shoved in his pockets. He was so unassuming that Cas was shocked when Dean’s stance turned defensive. 

“Sarah, get in the car,” Sam hissed. Sarah sized up the situation quickly and did what Sam said. 

“Like I’m dangerous.” The man shook his head. “Congratulations, Sam. Thought you would have invited your old man.” 

Cas went cold. John Winchester--Dean’s primary concern in coming out here and they all thought the possibility had been averted when they made it through the ceremony without incident. Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder, mostly to let him know he was there. 

“You weren’t invited for a reason, asshole,” Dean spat back. “Get out of here before I beat the shit out of you.” 

John laughed dry and quick. “Revenge, huh? I’d like to see you try.” He nodded at Cas. “This one’s prettier, Dean. Nice mouth--” Dean charged him before Sam or Cas could stop him and he got in two hard punches before John hit back. Between Cas and Sam they got them separated and Cas herded Dean back to the car. 

“Look at me. Look at me!” He demanded when Dean refused. Dean’s cheek was cut and already swelling. 

Cas looked over his shoulder to Sam placating John. He did it so well, bending his giant frame to look smaller, less threatening. It was a clear picture of how Dean’s younger life must have been--John demanding and harassing, Dean blowing up, Sam making peace. 

“Calm down,” Cas said as Dean struggled against him, but Dean sagged against the car and closed his eyes when he realized there were other people out there now and Sam wasn’t in danger. Someone demanded to know what happened and threatened to call the cops. 

“Not necessary,” Sam said firmly. “It’s a family dispute that’s solved now. He’s leaving, we’re leaving, there was no property damage. No charges to file.” 

Cas shuffled Dean out of the way and opened the car door for him. “Get in.” 

Dean obeyed, but before Cas got the door closed John yelled, “Yeah- run away, kid. That’s what you do best!” 

Cas braced himself for Dean to barrel out of the car, but he shrank back instead. Cas closed the door on him as Sam yelled at John to go. Cas stood with Sam until John got in his car and they watched him drive off. 

“I got the license plate,” Sam said. “If we see him again we call the police immediately.” 

Cas agreed. When he slid into the backseat, Dean wouldn’t look at him. Cas reached for his hand, but he closed his eyes and ignored him. Sam caught Cas’s eye in the mirror, and the sadness Sam held hurt Cas even deeper on behalf of the Winchester brothers. He tried to content himself on his side of the car until they got back to Sam and Sarah’s place, but he couldn’t stand knowing Dean was right there hurt both emotionally and physically. Cas unbuckled his seatbelt and moved to the center. He wasn’t planning to force Dean to accept comfort, but was glad he didn’t have to. Dean leaned til his head rested on Cas’s. Cas rubbed his hand over Dean’s knee all the way to the apartment. 

“I’ll get the first aid stuff,” Sam said. Cas led Dean to the little table in the kitchen and sat him down before grabbing a paper towel and wetting it so he could clean up around the cut. It was small, but angry. He cleaned it up as best he could then let Sam do the rest with antiseptic and bandages. 

“Don’t let him get to you, Dean,” Sam said. “You and me--we’re cool. He’s pissed that you left because that meant he didn’t have anyone to kick around anymore.” 

Dean didn’t say anything back. Sam looked up at Cas when he finished and Dean was still basically unresponsive. 

Cas held his hand out to Dean and when Dean stood, Cas put his arms around him. “You aren’t responsible for this.” 

Dean tucked his face into Cas’s neck. “I know.” 

“What do you want to do? It’s kind of early for bed, but I think they’d understand.” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Movie? No talking--you can just curl up with me under a blanket.” 

Dean chuckled softly. “Sure.” 

Cas thought it might all be okay. They changed and watched a movie curled up on one end of the couch while Sarah took the far end and Sam had the recliner next to her. Cas stroked Dean’s arm and stole glances at his face while they watched and everything seemed okay. But then they went to bed and Dean clung to him in sleep in a way he never had before. He was always so aware of what might cause Cas unnecessary pain when they were at home, but he pressed himself into Cas’s skin at every point he could find contact. Cas held him, kissing his forehead and rubbing his back. Dean shifted somewhere in the middle of the night and found Cas’s eyes on him. 

“You need to get some sleep,” he said. 

“You too,” Cas said. 

“I can’t.” Dean adjusted to rest his head back on Cas’s shoulder. Cas welcomed him there, pushing fingers through his hair. Maybe with some more time Dean would be able to relax. 

“He was so close to you,” Dean whispered. “He could have reached you and--” 

“Dean, I’m fine.” Dean nodded against him like knew that, but Cas’s shoulder was getting wetter by the second. Cas ran his fingers in Dean’s hair and along the curve of his neck. 

“I took the bait like I always do and he knew I would be stupid and hit him first… so he could have a reason. And he’s right, I run instead of doing what I should and--” 

“Stop,” Cas said. “You don’t let me talk about myself that way, so you can’t either. You did what you had to do when you left. Sam gets it, I get it. And all you’ve done is take care of me for a year, even when I was awful and…” Cas didn’t mean to get choked up, but his voice seized on him. 

Dean pushed up over him and kissed him, a hard press leaving both of them breathing hard when Dean broke away. “Cas, please.” 

“Then you don’t do it either.” 

Dean kissed him again. They had both figured out that kissing was an expression they could give when words didn’t work. Affection and comfort without the agony of trying to wrangle words into shape. Cas held Dean firmly with a hand at the back of his head while they kissed lazily. He needed him to know that everything was okay even though Dean wasn’t fully accepting his words. 

“I didn’t understand how hard this trip would be for you,” Cas said after Dean settled his head over Cas’s heart. “The plane rides alone and then Sam and your dad and all the stuff it brought up--” 

“That’s why I wanted you with me.” Dean pressed a kiss to his palm.

“It’s a lot of stress.” 

“I left it behind for a reason,” Dean said quietly. 

*** 

“Four years in California. How do you not surf better than that?” Dean plopped in the sand next to where Cas sat under the hug umbrella they’d rented for the day. 

“Uh, I spent those four years studying my ass off,” Sam shot back with a grin. 

Cas laughed at the brothers. Sure, they bantered over skype, but it wasn’t the same as seeing the two of them actually together going back and forth. 

“You should make a list like Cas,” Dean said. “Get some things done before you settle down.” 

“I’m getting plenty done,” Sam said 

“What list, Cas?” Sarah asked. 

“Oh, uh,” Cas colored. It wasn’t a big deal, he was just so used to only hanging around with people that knew him well that he hadn’t really had to explain it in a long time. 

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean squeezed his knee. 

“No, it’s fine.” Cas smiled at Sarah, who looked embarrassed for asking. “Um, I had a near-death experience almost two years ago and after that I made a list of things I want to do.” 

“That’s awful, Cas. I’m glad you’re okay,” Sarah said. “We should probably all have a list like that.” 

“Yeah, well, mine changed a lot since I first made it.” 

“Why?” Sarah asked, but Sam was already grinning behind her. 

Cas shrugged. “Dean, mostly.” 

“I knew it,” Sam said with a laugh. 

Sarah awwed over it. “That’s seriously romantic.” 

“You only added one thing because of me,” Dean said. “Sorry. Two.That’s not a lot of change.” 

“Four,” Cas said and Dean’s eyebrows popped up. “You been hiding things, Cas?” 

“No. We just haven’t talked about them yet.” 

“Sounds like our cue to go on a walk,” Sam offered his hand to Sarah and pulled her to her feet. 

“It’s not bad,” Cas called after them, but they didn’t slow down. “You might as well tell me now that you’ve chased them off.” 

“It’s just…” Cas’s chest clenched. It was one thing to write it down and another entirely to actually do it. “I want to tell you about Balthazar.” 

“You don’t have to do that right now.” 

“You told me all that stuff about Sam and your dad. And you’re riding 4 flights just for me. I want to.” Cas said the words but wasn’t sure he meant it fully. Want was the wrong word--he fully wanted to lock it away for the rest of eternity. But he needed to do it. He wanted to step forward for Dean and for himself. 

Cas looked out over the water. “Balthazar was my best friend. He was in the car with me.” 

Dean scooted close enough for their shoulders to bump. 

“We started those boxes when we were, like, 13 and put a bunch of bad poetry and shit in them. Mostly stuff we didn’t want our parents to see. He wasn’t out yet and I wasn’t sure what I was--it seemed like a good idea to keep all that stuff in one place. We promised each other we would toss the box if one of us died so our parents wouldn’t find it. Silly shit that teenagers say because it seems romantic or grand.” Cas choked on the last idea and swiped at his face with one hand. 

“He knew all the insecurities built up over the years, and he made me be better than all that. I used to be brave but I think it was mostly because I wanted to keep up with him.” 

“Cas, you’re one of the bravest people I know.” 

“Dean-” 

“You are. You’ve been fighting since I met you to stay afloat. And that’s hard to do every goddamn day for a year.” 

It was goddamn hard, but Cas wasn’t willing to call it brave. “Balthazar would have liked you. You do the things you want to do.” 

Dean chuckled and moved his hand to the back of Cas’s neck, rubbing along the edge of his hair. “Sounds like a good guy.” 

“He was.” Cas smiled. “I didn’t--I don’t want to open that box. Because… when we were in the car he told me he put a bucket list in his box and he was trying to talk me into doing the same thing. And I told him it was stupid because we were young and nothing was going to happen. But of course we crashed, so…” 

“Cas--” “So when I woke up and he was gone I made a list fast. Because he asked me to and I told him it was stupid.” Cas dragged in a stuttered breath and turned into Dean’s shoulder. He didn’t want to cry it out, just needed to hold on. 

“Cas, it’s okay--you don’t have to open that box if you don’t want to. You were supposed to toss the whole thing, right? His family doesn’t even know about it. So do whatever you want. It can stay in the bottom of our closet forever if that’s what you decide.” 

Cas nodded against him. He knew that, but it was good to hear Dean agree. “I have something else.” He turned away from Dean to where he’d put his backpack and pulled out his notebook. “I mean only if you want to.” 

Cas flipped to the page where he’d last written and handed it to Dean, his stomach going crazy. Dean scanned the page and Cas saw exactly when he landed on the last item- the one he’d added most recently. 

“Cas?” Dean looked him in the eye. 

“Ask me. If you want to.” Dean didn’t even blink. “Marry me, Cas?” 

Cas grinned. “Yes.” He kissed Dean softly. “I should have said yes right when you brought it up.” 

Dean laughed. “So all I needed to do was get you to write it down so you’d say yes.” 

“I think it was all that ‘Dean Novak’ talk yesterday that convinced me to tell you right away.” 

“Really?” 

“I didn’t know how motivating that idea would be,” Cas said. “Besides-I’m retiring the list after this and I thought this was a good final accomplishment.” 

“Retiring it? Like getting rid of it?” Dean asked. 

“Yep. I think--I think I needed it to help me keep going. Because I didn’t want to for a long time. But I don’t think I need it any more. I think I’ve been hiding behind it.” 

“Whatever you want to do, Cas.” So Cas kissed him because that was exactly what he wanted to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this little fic that is close to my heart. Cas's neuropathy is modeled after my own-- the descriptions of his pain and the incident with facial numbness and going to the hospital is all true. I assigned a lot of my own chronic illness related depression to Cas as well. Even though this Cas can be painful to read, it is a true place for many of us with chronic illness, and I really wanted to write about it once.
> 
> This fic was originally posted in 2016. I only made corrections to punctuation/misspellings/and slight clarifying edits.
> 
> Thanks also for those of you coming back to re-read my things even though you've seen them before. I hold so much love for you.
> 
> cinagray on discord/tumblr/AO3, and tellthenight on pillowfort.


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